Raising Rebels

Leavin' on a Jet plane...

2012-01-29T10:24:00.018-05:00

No, not literally.

No plane trips or even driving vacations in my immediate future.

I am, however, taking an internet break.

Nothing is wrong. (Well, not in a major wrong kind of way. Life is just busy and exhausting and sometimes hard and I stink at giving my kids the structure and routine they need. So, I just need to pull back and work on that more)

Life is good...even when it isn't.

In fact, it's so good that I need to spend more time living it and less time sharing it on facebook, my blog and the like.

The days are long and having connection and interaction with the outside world via my computer has often "saved my sanity".

Yet, the years are short and my kiddos are growing and life is busy.

When they were all littles it was busy and exhausting.

Now they are bigger and life is busy and exhausting just in different ways.

I'm feeling stretched in too many directions and feeling the need to pull back so I've...

I'll be back hopefully with...

For now there are...

Songs to sing...

and so much more!!

I'll check email a couple of times a day so you can email me at my generic acount:
mom.to.five @ hotmail. com (no spaces) or my personal one if you have that addy

Also, while my phone isn't a snazzy iphone, it'll still be a constant companion so if you have the number you can text (or call if you must, but I prefer texting) any time.

I don't have a time frame for returning, but hopefully soon...when I am refreshed, renewed, and refocused.

Wordless Wednesday: Fun and Games

2012-01-25T20:17:00.003-05:00

Headbanz

A day in the life of a Sensory seeker...

2012-01-12T10:48:00.011-05:00

Well, more like a glimpse of just about 15 minutes.

I've shared before that Parker is a ball of energy and constantly seeking sensory input.

The description on his page says "He lives life going 100 miles per hour from the moment his feet hit the floor until...well I'm not sure there's a time when he doesn't move through life at top speed! Even in his sleep, he is on the move. Always an explosion of energy which is both fun and exhausting at the same time. He longs to taste, touch, smell, see, and hear everything around him."

In a nutshell, that is Parker.

We've long had a problem with him jumping on (or off of) furniture and he especially loves to do flips on the big blue couch. It's not something we want him to do, but the thrill of the flip, the thud as his body hits those heavy cushions...well, time and again, he just cannot resist.

He also has hopes to someday "be famous for my 'Parker the famous Gymnastics guy' stuff".

This poses a problem.

I'm really not sure how to get him to understand and to remember that he just cannot do flips off the piano onto the couch or from the arm of the couch or any of the other dozen scenarios he's fond of.

All of that aside, the following pictures still made me smile and I admit, even laugh.
Go ahead, judge me.

I did not take them.

I would not encourage him or confuse him by taking pictures during something he shouldn't be doing like this. Kev was out with the big 3 and I was cooking dinner. I gave my camera to Aaron and Parker and told them to have fun in the family room. I showed them how to take pictures and video and I figured it would keep them occupied for five minutes tops. The family room is right off the kitchen. I could hear them, but I couldn't see them.

Apparently, that was my first mistake.

I heard them giggling, laughing, being a little rowdy. Honestly, they were calmer than they had been before getting the camera so I let it continue while I peeled potatoes.

Apparently, that was my second mistake.

I was impressed that they were being so entertained by the camera. As I added peas to a pot, I thought "maybe I should give them the camera more often."

I did pop my head in every few minutes to see what they were doing. I never saw anything outside of them making silly faces, taking pictures of the dogs nostrils and the like. They were only alone a span of 15 minutes or so, I heard them the entire time and saw them at least 6 times in that 15 minutes. I'm pretty sure all of this happened in just a few minutes time. The door is shut in the pics and the door was only shut for about 3-4 mins, as soon as I realized it was shut, I opened it again. That door opens into the kitchen. There are many other pics of them being silly before and after these and the door is wide open.

After dinner, I sat down and uploaded the pictures to the computer. Imagine my surprise when I saw this:

(*this door is the front door, door in other pics is the one that leads to the kitchen)

I'll let you guess what he was about to do.

Then there was this:

Which in hindsight, I'm pretty sure I heard him say "bomb's away" as he launched off.

Then there was this:

This:

and finally...these:

So, there you have it. A snapshot of life with Parker and the never ending need to watch him like a hawk every second of the day. I never know what he's going to do next. I wonder if getting a trampoline would be a good thing or a bad thing, here?! I'm thinking it's not a good option.

There was a lesson here for Parker too.

That is...

The next time he wants to do something he shouldn't, it might be a wise idea to make sure a nearby sibling isn't photo documenting it.

P.S. No humans or animals were hurt in the documentation of this event. While it seems a bit dangerous, it's no more so than if he was on a trampoline. When dad reminded him it wasn't something he should do, he replied with "I had cushions. I was safe."

Surely, cushions are safer than a trampoline. ;-)

Jerald's Yarn

2012-01-07T23:18:00.002-05:00

Before we begin, I'll share with you what my trusty dictionary has to say about yarn:

Yarn [yahrn]-
noun

1. thread made of natural or synthetic fibers and used for knitting and weaving.

2. a continuous strand or thread made from glass, metal, plastic, etc.

3. the thread, in the form of a loosely twisted aggregate of fibers, as of hemp, of which rope is
made (rope yarn).

4. a tale, especially a long story of adventure or incredible happenings: He spun a yarn that outdid any I had ever heard.

Today, I'd like to share Jerald's Yarn. You cannot have his green or camo yarn he's been knitting into Christmas gifts, sorry you'll have to go buy your own.

However, he does have a yarn to share with you fitting the fourth definition above, but also directly related to the first. This is not a story of adventure or incredible happenings in a Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn sort of way.

However, It is most definately a story of adventure or incredible happenings in a Jerald sort of way. Huck and Tom got nuthin' on my boy!

I orginally started this post several weeks ago, but daily life and other blog posts have gotten in the way and I haven't yet completed it.

Yesterday, Jerald decided he wanted to share his story on his own blog. We spent a bit of time tonight going over it. I helped him a little with editing, clarifying, but mostly it is his story in his own words. He actually edited out some of my "help". :-)

Rather than finish this post with my own thoughts on the matter, I am going to point you to his blog. First, I do just want to say: Please keep in mind that this is about much more than knitting. Motor skills have proved to be a challenge for Jerald over the years. The frustration that came with understanding a concept, but not being able to get his fingers to comply was hard. The past 6-8 months have seen much progress in this area for him. Getting to the point that he can reach his dream of knitting is really just a small part of a bigger picture.

His story doesn't belong to me, so I'll stop here.

There is no better way to capture his excitement or the hugeness of his accomplishment than to read it from his perspective.

Please take a few minutes, hop to his blog by clicking here and enjoy his story about never giving up!

(I'm sure he'd be THRILLED if you left a comment for him too. **just as a sidenote, if you try to comment and it doesn't seem to work it's probably fine. I moderate all of his comments so they first come to my email and wait for approval before going on his blog. It confuses some people, but it's just a way for me to keep him safe from the garbage that people sometimes post)

Thankful Thursday

2012-01-05T13:07:00.003-05:00

I'm thankful for...

11. hard moments, they stretch me to look for the good that's always there if I look hard enough.

12. Snow. No, really, I'm thankful for it. I prefer to stay indoors. I'm not a fan of the cold or of the gazillion layers needed to stay warm. I really dislike the mess and extra work that comes with dirty snow clothes and kids coming in wet. However, the joy it brings to my Jay makes it so worth it. He LOVES the snow. I am thankful for how his delight reminds me to appreciate the beauty in ALL seasons...those of nature and those of my life.

13. Headphones. It has changed my life the past month to be able to stop amidst difficult moments and listen to a song or two (while A) drowning out the cacophony of that resides in my home and B) not adding to my boys sensory troubles playing music they don't tolerate well). I'm able to regroup, refocus and handle stress much better.

14. The kindness and encouragement of others. A sweet card in the mail, an encouraging email, a text at just the right moment.

15. For photographs that make me smile, like this one...

Thankful Thursday...

2011-12-29T09:59:00.004-05:00

Today I'm thankful for...
1. A husband that is patient, kind, brilliant and loves me enough to challenge, confront and nudge me when needed. Truly my best friend.

2. Mornings that start with laughter, even if ten minutes later I'm playing referee and judge amidst sibling squabbles.

3. Music that strengthens me and helps me focus.

4. A BFF that emails me to encourage me in the wee hours of the morning despite the fact she's busy with a newborn and 7 other children.

5. Bacon...especially when I didn't have to cook it.

6. Being asked yet again to play a "find and seek" game created by a child that has grown so much these past few years. There was a time we wondered if he'd ever talk or if he'd ever be out of his "own little world". I will play these games with him a million times a day if he asks me to and never take it for granted.

7. A son that goes to the library and comes home with "a book that I thought you'd wanna read"...this time that happens to be Kidnapped by Robert Louis Stevenson.

8. A daughter that says "do you think I could start making a dinner menu and cooking dinner sometimes?"

9. A son that so adores his daddy that he wants to wear his uniforms and go to work with him as often as possible.

10. Picking up my phone and seeing silly pictures taken by a silly 5yr old. I just heard the clicking of my phone camera and his laughter. I turned to see what he was doing and he's taking pictures of the bottom of my shoes. I'm thankful for pictures that give me a glimpse of his perspective on life and that bring him joy.

Happy Thursday, friends! I hope it's a day of finding joy in the little moments and simple things...

like hotwheels all in a row. ;-)

Wordless Wednesday: Daddy's apprentice

2011-12-28T15:16:00.002-05:00

From Our Home to Yours...

2011-12-25T16:58:00.006-05:00

Merry Christmas! I hope it's been a day full of great blessing, abundant joy, and quiet moments of reflection.

A few weeks ago, our senior pastor asked Jerald if he might be willing to do a solo during this morning's service. He chose a song called "Here With Us" and if I can have a tiny moment of mama bragging, he did a splendid job!

The quality of the video does not do it justice, but I thought I'd share anyway:

Here With Us

It's still a mystery to me
That the hands of God could be so small,
How tiny fingers reaching in the night
Were the very hands that measured the sky

Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King,
You're here with us
You're here with us

Verse 2
It's still a mystery to me, oh,
How His infant eyes have seen the dawn of time
How His ears have heard an angel's symphony,
But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep

Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King
Here with us
You're here with us
(Ohh, mmm, here with us)

Bridge
Jesus the Christ, born in Bethlehem
A baby born to save, to save the souls of man

Chorus (2x)
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King
You're here with us
You're here with us

More of the best Christmas gifts ever...

2011-12-24T19:22:00.009-05:00

Earlier in the month I posted about my favorite Christmas gift t his year. Tonight, I'm back to share more favorites.

It is tradition in our family that I give new pajamas to everyone on Christmas eve. It is one of the very few good Christmas memories I have from my early childhood. So, I always enjoy picking out new jammies and sort of surprising everyone. They expect pajamas, but never know just what I'm going to find for them.

Tonight, the children asked if they could at the same time give out the gifts they've been working hard to make the past few weeks. Since we have a really busy day tomorrow we decided that was a fine idea. I've been helping them and thought I knew everything they had been working on.

I was wrong.

Jerald is working on something, but didn't quite get it finished so I'll have to wait a little longer on that one.

However, Rock and Mag both presented me with gifts that definitely go into the "my favorite things category".

Rocklin gave me a collection of his drawings...all of them military aircraft. Here's the first one:

He also painted his first portrait ever for Kev. It's a portrait of Thomas Jefferson.

Magdalyn is one of the most thoughtful kids I know. She almost always thinks of others before herself. Much of the time the "others" that she thinks of are her brothers. She bakes several times a week and rarely picks her own favorites, choosing instead to bake things her brothers love to eat. She loves them deeply. She sticks up for them fiercely. She understands them when others don't and she accepts them even when she doesn't "get" them.

So, it shouldn't surprise me that her gift to me was made with a couple of her brothers in mind.

Yet it does indeed surprise me. It's not something I ever expected.

A priceless gift that means more to me than you'd ever know by seeing it.

It means more than I could ever express in a few words on this blog.

I have a feeling there are a few readers out there that will understand completely.

A blue Autism awareness pin.

I think this just might be one of the few Christmas gifts that have caused words to escape me and tears to blind me.

Wordless Wednesday: Merry Christmas

2011-12-21T23:50:00.002-05:00

(and congrats to my hubby on the start of his new business...Providence Mechanical)

Wordless Wednesday: Hide and Seek

2011-12-14T15:22:00.003-05:00

Saturday Snapshot

2011-12-10T22:13:00.006-05:00

Rocklin's football banquet was tonight. He doesn't play for the tangible reward, but that smile sure does look like he's happy to have received both a trophy and a medal.

My favorite Christmas gift this year

2011-12-07T19:41:00.011-05:00

Parker went to my stash of gift boxes, found one that was just the right size and presented me with a gift.

The gift itself is a drawing...

and he also showed me his mad scissor skills by cutting another drawing into strips and including it too.

What he doesn't realize is there was another gift.

A gift that makes just about anything else I can think of pale in comparison this year.

On his own, no help with the spelling and no help with the writing, he labeled the gift box.

This boy that sometimes (oftentimes) struggles to sit still long enough to write anything...

This boy that many times writes the first letter or two of his own name and then says he's tired and wants to come back to write the rest later...

This boy that does his math with spin breaks in between each problem...

This boy that cannot always get his fingers (or the rest of his body) to do what his brain wants it to do...

This boy that cannot yet read and has only ever written his own name without help...

wrote my name in sharpie on a gift box while I switched laundry.

He couldn't have said "I love you" or "Merry Christmas" in any better way.

When Autism walks the halls

2011-12-01T08:45:00.021-05:00

Wednesday 2:34am.

I am Sleeping soundly.

I am startled when the silence of the night is shattered by a small voice.

"Mommy? Mommy wake up. Is it Christmas yet?"

So starts my day.

This sweet boy, the one that generally sleeps well is awake with no sign of going back to sleep.

It is pretty widely known that many children on the autism spectrum have difficulty with sleep. Such has been our experience with Jerald. (and Parker, though he does not have an autism spectrum diagnosis)

However, Aaron has been in the small group where a good nights sleep is appreciated.
Most nights his sleep schedule is like clockwork. He's ready for bed at 8pm, though it's often closer to 9 before he's tucked in and he's out in minutes. Sometimes,in mere seconds with the light still on and brothers wrestling around we can hear his soft snoring. He sleeps soundly all night and promptly wakes and starts his day between 6 and 7am.

On occasion there is a disruption, a shift in this schedule.

Those nights when Autism, anxiety, OCD and sensory issues shout from the rooftop that they are alive and well in our house. Together, they walk the halls attempting to disrupt the entire balance of our home.

Those nights when I must play detective to decipher what's going on.

Surely, a shift like this doesn't just happen. There is always a root.

Something bubbling under the surface, exacerbating issues that are always there, but often more subtle.

Sometimes the root really is anxiety.

Something has changed
or
Something is coming
or
a bad dream triggers an onslaught of obsession that he just cannot reign in and manage.

Sometimes its an indication that an illness is coming.

Sometimes for whatever reason he just needs more of mommy and less of sleep.

Rarely is he able to understand this himself, let alone explain it to me.

That leaves me standing in my pajamas, in the dark, hunting through the closet for my detective hat.

I have never wanted to be a detective.

I'm not given a choice.

As he chatters for hours about Christmas, asking at least a dozen times "is it Christmas yet?", I suspect that's not why he's really awake. At least, that's not all of it.

He snuggles, but not too close because "it feels weird."

He shares my pillow until he decides my breath is "hot and smelly" so he flips himself around.

Now, his feet touch my pillow. He apologizes for getting my pillow germy.

I say, just be careful because I don't want to get kicked in the nose.

He says "getting kicked in the nose is not as bad as getting germs on your pillow."

Another piece of my heart chips off.

A seven year old shouldn't be so concerned about germs. Especially in the wee hours of the morning.

He tosses out comfortable and scripted words:
"He flew into my food, fancy that" (from a Cat in the Hat episode)

"or purple like a, like a, like some weird guy" (from Gnomeo and Juliet)

Half a dozen others that I'm fairly sure are all from Backyardigans episodes.

The clock ticks.
Time fades.
Shades of night turn to the light of day.

Eventually, I give up and toss the detective hat. In the end, it doesn't matter why he's awake as much as it matters that I listen to him, snuggle with him and prepare to help him navigate the day.

See, not only is our night completely disrupted, but now our day will be as well.
Tired, schedule disrupted, anxiety on high are all ingredients for a rough day.

I must shift gears.
No longer am I a detective deciphering what's going on. No, now I must grab my rescue gear. I must be prepared to control damage, to watch for pitfalls in the day and avoid things that could lead us down the rabbit trail of meltdowns and more anxiety. He's on high alert and so I too must be on high alert.

It's a long day. It has rough patches. Even a couple of meltdowns, but he's able to recover fairly quickly from all but one of them.
In the end, we are able to make it to the Christmas caroling and tree lighting event we'd been planning on. The day was not as disastrous as I anticipated and I'm thankful.

We arrive home, he doesn't even change into pajamas. He collapses into his bed- clothes on, shoes on, bedroom light on and he's out-it's 9pm exactly.

Thursday 2:28am (even his sleep disruption schedule is like clockwork apparently)

I am Sleeping soundly.

I am startled when the silence of the night is shattered by a small voice.

"Mommy? Mommy wake up. I think maybe that hornet stinger is still in my ear."

I'm confused and ask him to repeat 2 or 3 more times before I'm awake enough to process what he's saying.

This summer, he experienced a hornet sting on his earlobe, that must be what he's talking about. I tell him that happened a long time ago and that he must have just had a bad dream. He finds a spot to snuggle in close, but sleep never comes.

It's a repeat of the night before. Except this time the anxiety is worse, the obsessions are more consuming and the tears are flowing much more freely.

He cannot let go of the idea that the hornet stinger must still be in his ear. I stumble into the bathroom and try to assure him there is no stinger as my eyes adjust to the light. I scratch the area he's pointing to and tell him if it was there, it's gone now. We go to the kitchen for a drink and I rub ice on his ear for a few minutes.

As night fades to morning, we will have repeated the above scenario multiple times. At some point I fall asleep and he wakes me to say "I'm going back to my own bed because you are touching me and I don't want to be touched."

Yet, he really needs his mommy so he comes back every 5-10 mins to ask about the stinger, to tell me he loves me or just to say "are you awake?"

At 6am he heads to the bathroom. A few minutes later he screams for me and I'm not sure my feet even hit the floor before I'm there next to him. He feels like he's going to vomit. Anxiety starts to rise even higher, if that's even possible, because he really really really dislikes vomiting. I try to calm him down. I know that he will vomit if for no other reason than the anxiety if I can't talk him down from the ledge.

Eventually I get him back to my bed with a bucket "just in case" and we start the stinger in my ear scenario all over again.

I've asked him several times if his ear hurts and he says no. He claims it doesn't hurt inside and the outside just feels weird from the stinger. As the morning wears on, he tells me that his ear feels weird and that he's hearing weirdish things. He's exhausted, he's crying and now he's decided since I can't fix it maybe Dr. W our pediatrician can "use his clapper thingy just to see if I can hear".

What's been bubbling under the surface has now spilled over. He's not feeling well and that's causing everything else to ramp up.

I call to see if we can get an appointment.

It's an awkward conversation.

The nurse asks why he needs to be seen. I say, "I'm not really sure. He's been up all night worried about a hornet stinger in his ear and I'm guessing maybe he actually has an ear infection. I really don't know."

I can see her shrug through the phone line, but in the end we have an appointment in a couple of hours. Hopeful that either he does have an infection we can treat or that Dr. W will have the magic words to assure him that all is fine and we can stop worrying about the hornet sting from months ago.

So it goes, this life of mine, this balancing act of wearing so many hats...mom, teacher, detective, nurse and so many others.

In our family Autism is often invisible, but it's never gone.

It roams the halls at night and it jumps on the scale all day trying to upset the balance of our life. Sometimes it succeeds and life is hard. Always we get through it and keep going. Autism might disrupt, but it doesn't destroy. It digs some pretty big potholes in the road, but there's always a way to stay on the road. Perspective is everything, even in the midst of the difficulty, there are always gifts and joy to be found.

***Update*** Aaron does in fact have an ear infection. He slept well last night, mostly due to fever and exhaustion. This morning he says his ear still feels "weirdish the same like yesterday", but his fever is gone.

A Month of Giving Thanks: The Finale

2011-11-28T13:38:00.012-05:00

Food, fun and football were in abundance this year. However, I wasn't in charge of the camera this time around. Someone *cough, Nana, cough* was having too much fun that she kept forgetting to take pictures. I snapped a few:

Nana did manage to get this one. It was take 12 of hmm, a lot more than 12. She was trying for the perfect shot, I say this is close enough. Oh and we didn't sneak a sixth kid into the crew, the adorable guy in the middle is my nephew. :-)

As I close this month of giving thanks, one thought keeps going through my mind.

How could I ask for more?

I've already said a hundred times in a dozen ways that I'm blessed beyond measure, that this life is not what I thought I wanted, but it's so much more than I could ever dream.
It's not perfect.
There are surely things I'd love to change, trials I'd love to not go through.
Maybe.
Those things have shaped who I am, so maybe I'd not change them after all.

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
Holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

How Could I Ask For More- Cindy Morgan

A Month of Giving Thanks: a year later

2011-11-23T08:34:00.009-05:00

Last year, I wrote the following post:

Giving Thanks

...for ten dirty feet that never seem to stop.

...for fifty little (and not so little) fingers that smudge the windows, find their way in cake batter and cookie dough, wipe my tears and tickle my tummy.

...for a husband that loves me unconditionally, no matter how unloving I can be at times.

...for home. It's not the house of my dreams, but the home within the house is greater than anything I've ever dreamed.

...for friends. The ones in real life and the ones that "live" in my computer. The friends that love me for who I am. The friends that know little about me, but are always there to listen and encourage in areas where we have a connection. The friends that I've known for years and the ones that I'm just getting to know.

...for health struggles and how God uses them in our lives to mold us, refine us and use us for His Glory.

...for giggles and belly laughs...especially when they appear for no reason.

...for hot showers...even if they are often interrupted.

...for warm sweaters and funky socks.

...for mint tea and kids that don't mind sharing their favorite mugs.

...for a husband that works a lot and still comes home and jumps right in where needed.

...for nose-rubbies and bear-hugs

...for Thanksgiving dinners past, a house full of loved ones all gone now. The memories with us forever.

...for Thanksgiving traditions...making butter, kids providing entertainment with song and dance, homemade cranberry sauce.

...for new opportunities and challenges

Most of all for a God that loves me more than I will ever begin to understand. That he came to me in the depths of despair, drew me to Himself,made this broken mess into His child is something that I will forever stand in amazement and gratitude.

How deep the Father's Love for me...

Thank you, Jesus...for this...for your Life poured out for mine...for me, this wayward, mess to find the way...for life more abundantly than I ever knew possible...for love that takes my breath away...
every time he kisses me,
every time they say "I love you, mommy",
every time I read your Word.

This year, I'll add I'm thankful

...for Koala hugs and bedtime stories

...for a husband that never stops trying to understand his children and lovingly, patiently, tenderly guides them through some tough situations.

...for the sound of the piano. It's old, out of tune and played by children with no formal lessons. Yet, it's beautiful to me.

...for a paper hand-print turkey taped to my computer monitor. May it always remind me to be thankful and to cherish the small things, more importantly, the small people in my life.

...for milestones, big and small. Those that are on time and those that have taken years to reach.

...for daily reminders to not take simple things for granted.

...for a girl that loves to bake and help in the kitchen and how she's becoming my right hand.

...for friends for my children. Thankful that they are eachother's best friends first, but that they are beginning to develop special friendships with others too.

...for grandparents that love my children even when they don't understand them.

...for boys that never give up. They are the greatest examples of perseverance and determination in my life. They inspire me, challenge me and never cease to amaze me.

...for the funny stuff that comes from the mouths of babes. It would be a full time job to try and record it all.

...for so much more than I could ever write in one blog post.

...for this life. This beautiful, messy, roller coaster ride of a life.
Every breath.
Every moment.
Every cuddle.
Every kiss.
Every tear.
Every time I feel like my heart can't possibly break anymore.
Every time that I feel inexpressible joy.
Every mountain.
Every valley.
All of it-a precious Gift
and I am once again, on my knees,
full of gratitude.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-23T08:02:00.003-05:00

Final Thoughts on a Great Football Season

2011-11-20T19:10:00.007-05:00

In August, I posted about the beginning of the season and that I'm proud of my boy, football or not.

In September, I wrote about lessons learned from the sidelines and then about the joy of finally getting into a game. (click the links to read those posts if you missed them)

The weeks have gone by quickly and as of yesterday the season is officially over. Bear with me for one more football post.

After a lot of hard work, dedication, blood, sweat and tears the boys made it to the conference championship. That game was yesterday.

This was my facebook status yesterday afternoon and I think it says all that needs to be said:
25-0 loss. Disappointing end to an otherwise great season. We'll focus on the greatness...6-1-1 season, won the semifinal and made it into the championship game. Great coaches, great players, great teamwork, some really great games, great effort and great support! Way to go,Huskies-you've come a long way since that 1st practice Aug 1st...Next year!!

My boy is sad the season is over, sad the championship was lost, but so thankful for the opportunity to play and he's already geared up for next year.

conference 2011 jr. pee wee Runner-up team trophy

quite possibly Rocklin's biggest fan and definitely his most dedicated practice partner.

This just might be our 2011 Christmas card picture. It contains all five children, all of them are dressed (sort of, I won't mention the fact that Parker's wearing a pair of his brothers boxers and soccer socks instead of pants), and they are all looking in the right direction with no grumpy looks. Yep, definately a winning picture.

A Month of Giving Thanks: Wordless Wednesday (2)

2011-11-16T09:18:00.011-05:00

Thankful for brotherly love and silliness...alternatively titled: What happens when the kids get the camera

A Month of Giving Thanks: The greatest gift

2011-11-10T09:46:00.003-05:00

I cannot write post upon post about giving thanks without sharing the greatest gift I've ever received.

My salvation.
Jesus blood poured out.
Grace flowing down.
Mercy lifting up.

I am not a great theologian.

I'm not a street preacher.

My faith is simple,
quiet,
personal.

I could never in a million years find adequate words to express what it means for me.

beauty in ashes.

joy out of mourning.

A pit so deep, but a God able to dig deeper and pluck me out of such despair.

Unspeakable joy amidst unspeakable pain.

I can't earn it. I don't deserve it. Yet it's mine.

Thank you, Jesus.

For this life.

This life so abundant.

This life where my children know of the Father's love for them in ways that I still can't grasp.

This life where I daily fall and you lift me up.

This life where my mess becomes your canvas.

This life where my strength comes only from you.

I cling to Christ, and marvel at the cost:
Jesus forsaken, God estranged from God.
Bought by such love, my life is not my own.
My praise-my all-shall be for Christ alone.

Jerald made this video for me yesterday.
His robes for mine? Brings me to my knees in thankfulness.
That my son is beginning to grasp what that means? I'm on my face.

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. 3John 1:4

Phonics fun

2011-11-07T18:02:00.005-05:00

Remember this post,the one where I shared about how Aaron has taught me about Perspective?

Have I mentioned that I love this kids perspective and the way he continually thinks outside the box?

Last week I ordered explode the code phonics books for him and he's been very eager to get started. This morning he told me that he thought he could handle it without my help and so he went off to his desk while I helped another kiddo with something. When he finished four pages, he brought the book to me to go over with him.

I scanned the page...

Notice anything a little different from what you expect?

The directions are to look at the letter on the left and cross out which picture begins with that letter sound.

He did them all correctly until the last row.

I scratched my head wondering why in the world he would cross off an elephant for the letter "g".

He really is beyond this book and could jump up a book or two, but he started with book one at his own choosing. He doesn't like to start things in the middle. So, I was pretty sure he had the concept and that there had to be a reason he chose the elephant.

So, we had the following conversation:

Me: (pointing at the last row) You did great, but what happened here on this row?

Aaron: What do you mean what happened? I did what it said and I am sure it's the right answer.

Me: (pointing at the letter) what letter is this and what sound does it make?

Aaron: G, it says guh, guh, guh

Me: (pointing at the rabbit) and what about this picture?

Aaron: It's a rabbit which starts with R and ends with T.

Me: (pointing at the cup) and how about this one?

Aaron: (a little annoyed that I'm asking such a silly question) it's a cup, c-u-p, ccccuuuupppp

Me: (pointing at the elephant) and this one, you think elephant starts with g?

Aaron: (clearly annoyed now) Of course elephant does not start with g. Elephant starts with e, are you sure you know all of your letters?

Me: Well, I'm a bit confused. If elephant starts with e, why did you choose it for the letter g? Why not the glass? Doesn't glass start with g?

Aaron: Yes, but that's not a glass, it's a cup, c-u-p, cccuuuupppp. The elephant isn't just an elephant. Look at the picture again. Do you see? It's the right picture for the letter g.

Me: I'm not seeing it, bud. I think the right answer is this one (pointing at the cup). I know you think it's a cup, but it's supposed to be a glass which starts with g.

Aaron: Nope, the elephant is the right one. Look again.

Do you give up?

It's an elephant doing gymnastics. Gyyyymmmnasticssss starts with g.

Scrambled thoughts on a Sunday night

2011-11-06T22:01:00.015-05:00

Sunday night.

The dishwasher hums.

The washer moans.

The dryer takes a much needed break.

The kids are sleeping.

Two of them restlessly, tossing, turning, talking.

It won't be long before one is up and headed for a shower.

It won't be long before the other is up and headed for my bed.

Here I sit.
Earbuds in my ears.
Natalie Grant helping me tune out all the other quiet noises of the night.

I sat down here to write the overflowing stuff in my heart and mind. I'm having trouble sorting it out and knowing where to begin, what exactly I want to share. It's all a jumbled mess.

A post on Thankfulness is a good spot to start I suppose.

Yet, here on this night, I'm struggling with that a little bit. Sure, I'm thankful. Thankful for more than I could ever write even if writing was my full time job. Yet it all seems like empty words tonight.

I thought about a post to educate/advocate/spread awareness. Today gave enough moments that I could write at least a dozen posts along those lines...
...how autism affects our sons, our whole family
...how hard it is to deal with motor and vocal tics, knowing the child cannot control it, doesn't mean it's always easy to ignore them and let them go.
...how tiny, insignificant changes in routine might seem no big deal, but they will always cause a problem later in the day as all of those little things add up.

A hundred other posts are running through my head all related to my children's special needs.

I could write about...
...how the reason you might not see a meltdown is because I do everything I possibly can to make sure we get them out of a situation before they get to that point (or when possible, to avoid the situation from the outset).
...how while my church family enjoyed a fellowship meal down the hall I sat in the sanctuary with the doors closed biting my lip, fighting tears, praying and using every ounce of strength I could muster to hold down my son so he didn't hurt himself or break something.
...that at one point he got free from me, flipped over four chairs and nearly broke a window when he flung himself and a chair into it.

I could tell you how hard it was to hold him down and at the same time text my husband so he could quietly leave the fellowship hall and help me get our boy to the suburban before anyone witnessed what was going on.

Maybe I'll even tell you how thankful I am that I'm not the one that had to wrestle him into his carseat. However, I was paid back in full because I'm the one that had to drive home while he kicked my seat and screamed the entire way.

I could tell you all of that. I could even tell you that there is much more being left out.

How about a family fun post instead?

That would be a good Sunday night post. Something nice and cheery to start the week.

You see, even with all the above we still had some really great moments to our day.

Sunday football and the dolphins even won a game for a change. That oughtta make anybody smile!

Late in the day when all finally calmed down we went to the park and spent some time playing.

No pictures as it was getting dark and I didn't even take the camera. I wouldn't have had time for pictures anyway because I was too busy chasing the football as Rocklin practiced kicking field goals.

Somehow as I sit here now in the dark, Kev went to bed long ago, I don't want to write about any of that.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around all of it and more. I'm still trying to decipher what, how and if I want to share it.

No, as I sit here tonight, thinking of a few particular friends I want to just say...

Life is worth it.

Life is hard. Suffering is real and comes in many forms. No one lives a life void of suffering, disappointment, depression, disillusionment. There isn't a person on the planet that isn't fighting a battle of some sort every day.

Most of us live lives that see us constantly climbing insurmountable mountains, dancing on the mountain top and then promptly falling forward into an avalanche rolling out of control until we fall splat in the valley.

Rocklin's football coach often reminds the boys that the difference between those that are champions and those that are not is simply one thing...champions rise to the occasion.

I think this is a truth that goes far outside of the bounds of a football field.

Champions aren't made because they practice enough or work hard enough.

Champions aren't discovered and plucked out of the talent pool.

The circumstances aren't what matter in this life.

What matters is that we can live a victorious life. We can be a champion. We simply must rise to the occasion. A lot will be thrown at us. It will be messy. It will be hard. It will be unpredictable. It will take us to the end of ourselves. It will show us we are stronger than we ever imagined. It will also show us we are weaker than we ever imagined.

I know I've struggled with some things lately and I have a few friends that are really walking hard and difficult roads. All very different situations, none less hard than any other. They've been on my mind a lot and as I've interacted with them, I keep coming back to one thing...that part of the point of human experience is to share. We were made to be relational. We were meant to share in each-others joy and suffering...the good and the bad.

I haven't written too often about my past here on the blog or anywhere for that matter. Partly because to share my story, I have to share about others and that's not always easy or possible. Partly because I'm still wrestling a lot of it myself. Of course, it goes without saying that some simply doesn't need to be shared.

Yet in recent days as I've tried to speak life, love and encouragement to these friends I've seen more and more that part of having that story is because it's His story. It's not intended to be hidden. It's meant for His glory. Maybe I'm just trying to make sense of some things tonight, but it seems to me that sometimes the purpose of the hard parts of life are so we can stretch beyond ourselves and share our experiences with those walking through their own tough stuff.

I know what it's like to be in the depths of despair.

I know what it's like to wonder how there could possibly be a God, must less a loving one, when there is so much pain and suffering in this world.

I know what it's like to feel like there isn't a person on the planet that loves you completely for who you are and as you are.

I know what it's like to walk through unspeakable grief, trauma and pain at an age when you can't even begin to have the emotional maturity to process any of it.

I know what it's like to be a married adult, a parent and finally trying to work through years of heartache.

Friends, all I can say is that Life is worth it.

Even when it doesn't seem so, it's a gift an unspeakable gift.

Every breath.
Every dirty diaper.
Every hour of frustration over a child not grasping a math concept.
Every hug.
Every hurt.
Every day spent feeling like you've lost your purpose because all you do is cook and clean and herd cats.
Every meal you cook.
Every hard moment that breaks your heart into a million shattered pieces.
Every good moment that lifts you higher than you imagined you could ever go.
Every tear.
Every smile.
Every mountain.
Every valley.

It's all part of a bigger picture.
It's all meant to define you, to refine you, to move you beyond yourself and into His arms.

Keep fighting.
Keep rising.
Keep moving.
Beauty will rise from ashes.
Mourning will turn to joy.

A Month of Giving Thanks: blessings in random places

2011-11-04T11:03:00.008-04:00

I am a firm believer that the little things in life are important. I believe they are the "genetic make-up" of the big things. With that in mind, I try often (and probably fail just as often) to celebrate the little things and to make sure my kids know they are the big things.

While I'm always on the look out for little moments of joy and hidden blessings in the mundane, I was reminded today that I need to look for more.

I need to look deeper.
While I'm looking for those little nuggets of joy, I also need to look for snippets of hope.
While I celebrate the little things, I need to also learn from them.
While I look for ways to redeem the seemingly insignificant parts of my day, I need to seek out random rays of peace and reminders that nothing in this life of motherhood is insignificant.
It all matters.
It's easy to get bogged down in the every day tasks of being a mom, wife and homeschool teacher.
It's easy to get discouraged and lose focus on the big picture.

It's important to find ways to bring the focus back, to capture joy, to cling to hope and to dwell on love.

This morning, Aaron was drawing "movies". This is something he does a lot and to be honest, I don't quite get it.

Despite his efforts to explain to me, I just really don't understand exactly what he's doing. He draws little boxes, puts pictures in them, then asks me to write whatever he needs written into each little box.

Since I don't really understand the whole concept and it seems insignificant to me, I sometimes have to feign interest as he tells me about each picture in elaborate detail. I am so thankful he is at this place. This place where he can communicate with words much of what is in his head. This place where he is using his imagination more and more. This place where he has big ideas and wants to share them with me before anyone else. I really am so thankful. I really love it, but, well I'm also not so interested in these "movie" box picture things. So, while it's easy to love listening to him and be patient, it's a bit boring and not a favorite part of my day.

Today, something happened and it's no longer insignificant to me.

Today he was in my bedroom with me, door locked to keep his siblings out and he was drawing, drawing, drawing away. Finally satisfied with his drawings, he asked me to take a look and write the words.

I looked at his paper and saw a handful of little boxes with what looked like various food items.

He starts listing off what to write...
Blueberry Bell
Lemon Juice
Cherry Berry

We continue through each box. I write while he explains, asking after each box "don't you think that's kinda funny-ish?"

We get to the last few boxes and come to one that has several hearts drawn in the box. It's sandwiched between "root brick" and "oatmeals". I smile at the randomness and wait with anticipation to hear what he wants me to write.

He says "Hope Loves"

I repeat it and ask "that's it? You want me to write just Hope and Loves?"

"No."

"Not Hope and Loves. Hope loves."

Got it.

Hope loves.

It might seem like a random moment.

It might seem insignificant.

It might be a little thing.

Yet, it matters.

A reminder in the random.

Hope loves.

Yes it does, Zigity Zoo.

Yes it does.

Hope always loves. Love is always full of hope. Hand in hand the two go, along with Faith and when they abound the random and insignificant become so much more.

A Month of Giving Thanks: Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-02T10:05:00.003-04:00

Thankful for laughter...

A Month of Giving Thanks: Attitude of Gratitude

2011-11-01T11:06:00.011-04:00

Oh give thanks to the LORD,
for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 107:1

I attempt to foster an "attitude of Gratitude" in our home all year long. I don't want my children to think that Thanksgiving is just an event, a holiday full of too much food and not enough true thankfulness.

I want them to realize that giving thanks is part of every day life.

I want them to learn to look outside of themselves and see how abundantly blessed they are in this life.

I want them to know that no matter their circumstances they have choices to make.
They can choose joy.
They can choose thankfulness.
They can choose to give all that they are, all that they have because it is a natural manifestation of gratitude...the gratitude that comes from understanding they are loved, they are blessed, they are sought after by a God that gave all for them.

Recently, I've been reminded that this attitude, this fullness of gratitude...
this pouring out as I serve and love and give...
and serve and love and give some more begins with me.

Thankfulness does not spill out when I grumble through washing dishes and vacuuming the floor.

There is no hint of gratitude in the air when I lose my patience, demand my way, and bark commands in frustration.

Do I really expect my children to live a life of thankfulness and fullness of joy if it's so often absent from my own life day to day?

It's time to take the focus off of self and put it back on the One that deserves songs of Thanksgiving and shouts of Praise.

It's time to remind myself that my circumstances do not determine my attitude.

I can choose joy.

I can choose Thanksgiving.

I will choose to serve and love and pour out all that I am and all that I have because He first did it for me.
...but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

I thought maybe I'm not the only one that could use the reminder to shift perspective, refocus and choose thanksgiving, so I'm going to attempt to blog a Month of Giving Thanks.

Today I'm thankful for Grace...
Grace that flows down and lifts me up out of the muck and mire,
the grace that swallows me whole and breathes life into me when I feel like I'm drowning.
Grace upon grace flows down, flows down...

Our only girl

2011-10-28T10:44:00.009-04:00

Over the past nine years, we have often heard things like...

"Poor Maggie, stuck with all those brothers"

"I bet she really wants a sister, huh?"

"Poor little thing, it must be hard having all those brothers and no one for her to play with..."

once we even had a stranger in a store ask if the little two boys were failed attempts at giving her a sister?
(don't even get me started on that one)

Our responses have varied, but always we have attempted to make it known that Magdalyn loves her brothers, they are gifts to her.

Sure she'd love a sister, what girl wouldn't? However, she'd also love another brother. No, she doesn't think four is more than enough.

Often when I see a conversation headed towards the "poor Maggie" direction, I try to head it off. It's been pretty standard to hear me say something like "Yes, she's the only girl. She's got the perfect spot in the family...two big brothers to protect her and two little brothers that she can mother. She holds her own and is a great sister, we are very blessed by ALL of our children."

Wednesday was Rocklin's birthday. One gift he received was a book to teach him how to make various "weapons" from historical times by using duct tape and other house hold scraps. Right away he went to work and built swords out of tape and foam. It wasn't long before he had one for himself and each sibling so they could sword fight.

At one point, Magdalyn stomped into my room and said, "I don't like that book. We just read the rules for playing and rule number 7 is that girls aren't allowed to fight."

We talked about chivalry and that historically girls didn't fight. We talked about the fact that despite that "rule" there were various girls through out history, Joan of Arc for one, that fought anyway.

I gave her permission to ignore the rule and sword fight against her brothers, but also reminded her that if she was going to play with them she had to be prepared for their roughness and not come whining to me.

I really had no fear, she holds her own well. It was no surprise that later in the day, she is the one that had a broken sword from hitting too hard.

There are plenty of days when she is the princess,
the damsel in distress,
the cow-girl,
the mommy,
or the scared little sister that needs a brother to squash a spider.

On the other hand, there are days like Wednesday.
Days when she's the bravest of knights,
the toughest of pirates,
the superhero that saves the day
or the Queen that rules rebel-land and orders her servants to perform all manner of tasks.

I have no worries that this girl of mine has too many brothers. I have no sympathy that she's the only girl.

I am thankful for and blessed by all of these children every single day. I don't believe the placement of any of them in our family was a crapshoot, a random circumstance or unfortunate in any way.

They are exactly who they were meant to be, in exactly the family they belonged in the exact order orchestrated by a loving Creator.

Yep, she is the only girl and no, I didn't necessarily plan that, but God did. He put her smack dab in the middle of four boys.

Four boys that need her.

Four boys that she needs.

Four boys that adore her.

Four boys that she adores.

Two big brothers that protect her.

Two little brothers that love when she mothers them.

Four brothers that no matter where life takes her will forever remain her first best friends.

Wordless Wednesday: A fieldtrip

2011-10-19T07:11:00.004-04:00

The group was split into older/younger groups. Jerald went with the olders until it was time to ride the fire truck, so this is the only picture captured of him.

You can find more wordless wednesday posts here

Lullabies, brotherly love and little moments I wish would last forever

2011-10-18T09:38:00.011-04:00

Friday night was the homecoming game at my high school alma mater. For the past few years, I've gone to the game and met up with friends I don't get to see very often. I was excited about going this year, but when the time came that just wasn't going to happen. In the best interest of several children I needed to stay home while Kev and Rock went to the game.

Initially, I was here at the computer sulking and the children were scattered about reading or playing quietly. Jerald, Aaron and Parker eventually made their way to my bed and were rough housing a bit.

That's when things changed.

What had been a evening of sulking, quickly changed to one of those moments when all seems right in the world.

When a little moment suddenly becomes a big moment and you realize yet again that you are blessed beyond anything you could ever ask or imagine.

Jerald began singing lullabies, silly songs and hymns to the little boys. For nearly an hour they enjoyed each other, basking in brotherly love.

They sang together, a miracle in itself because Aaron rarely sings along.

The little boys listened while their biggest brother sang to them.

Jerald endured the little boys singing to him for a boisterous version of Joy the World.

Every song, every moment a sweet sound to my ears. A blessing to my heart. My cup runneth over.

Eventually Aaron hit total saturation and ran from the room, hands over his ears, but not before I captured a bit on video. The video quality stinks, but to me, these are worth far more than any music video you'll ever see on TV.

A lazy Friday night, cherished memories forever.

An evening of fun for three brothers. A moment of renewed hope for their mama.

Goodnight to the knitting rabbit

2011-10-13T22:13:00.010-04:00

Bedtime has been an unsteady thing in our home. It has been a roller-coaster of ups and downs through different seasons of this parenting journey.

Bedtime with a house full of all littles was very different than our current house full of not so littles anymore.

There have been seasons of cuddling and reading picture books.

There have been seasons of reading chapter books and/or the bible.

There have been seasons of tucking them in, quick kisses all around and then retreating to my room to cry and try to gain the strength to make it to the next bedtime routine.

There have been seasons of Daddy handling bedtime while mommy tried to soothe a screaming baby.

There have been times of everyone getting frustrated and the whole family in or near tears by the time the lights were out.

There have been times of cuddling with a little one that loved to hear classic literature and autobiographies read to him, while the other parent read board books to his brother.

I'm sure there are several other scenarios I'm not recalling at the moment and all of these have been repeated more than once.

Through every season there was a constant for a long time. Even on nights when a bedtime read aloud didn't happen, the desire was always there. I have always loved to read to my little ones and they were always eager to hear it.

Until Aaron came along.

As a baby, a toddler and then a preschooler he was pretty indifferent about it. He never threw a fit (about reading that is) and most of the time he would be relatively still and quiet if I was reading, but he was pretty disinterested. It was rare occasion that I could convince that cuddling and reading a book together was a good thing.

A couple of years ago, he became more and more disinterested, but it was more than that. Eventually he hated to listen to me read and read aloud time became meltdown time. It wasn't anything personal. He could not tolerate the sound of voices reading aloud. It didn't matter if it was history on CD, Jerald's math instructor on the computer, audiobooks or someone reading a book to him in person. He just couldn't handle it and it became truly painful to him. He had a very low tolerance for movies/videos too and couldn't handle anything beyond three or four exceptions. Those depended on the day. Some days he couldn't even tolerate his favorite at the time, Bob the builder.

This impacted our entire family every day, and most definately at bedtime.

It was a hard time for all of us, but most especially for my sweet boy and his mama. Hard for him as he was constantly bombarded with audio input and couldn't process it sending him over the edge daily, often hourly. Hard for me as I tried to find resolution for all of us and as I longed to just sit on the couch and read to my little guy.

Eventually we got some things worked out to make it manageable. Jerald doing math with headphones, Aaron having room time while I did history read aloud in the family room, etc. At the same time we worked with Aaron to build his tolerance for such things. Bedtime remained a challenge though.

On the other end of that now, he has certain things he loves to listen to (the Mr. Putter series by Cynthia Rylant for example) and others that he still can't tolerate. Even the books he now loves to listen to he prefers to sit and listen to a CD alone or have me read while he sits nearby. He's still not much of a "let's snuggle and read" type except on rare occasions.

I didn't realize how sad I am about that until recently. I missed many of the early opportunities to snuggle and read to Parker too. Some because of Aaron's issues and they are so close in age that it was difficult to snuggle and read with Park and not with Zig. Often it just didn't happen because the first four years of Parker's life were so hard and his pretty constant screaming in pain, especially at night. Some how it all blended together and we made it here.

Here to this place of reading chapter books when we could, but not snuggling and reading picture books with my littlest boys.

In my mind, this is just something mama's do with little ones. It's part of the job description. Hard to accept that my sons hadn't read my resume and didn't seem to care that reading aloud while cuddling was high on my job qualifications list.

Recent weeks have moved us to a new season.

Parker suddenly loves to snuggle in my lap and read. Loves it in a way that even rivals his big brother Jerald's love of all things bookish. He's been coming to me every day with handfuls of books asking me to read to him. Our current bedtime routine includes reading "just one more" as I read a few favorite bedtime books and a new one or two tossed in each night.

Apologies to Margaret Wise Brown, but at the house of Little Rebels, the great classic, Goodnight Moon has been edited.

In our house...And goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush" will forever read as "...And goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush" and knitting."

I'm pretty sure after each time the book closes and the last kiss is on his forehead I'll hear him giggle and say "you know she's really a knitting rabbit, not an old lady".

The bedtime season hasn't always been the stuff of sappy movies. It's not always been pretty.

I still carry a sadness, I think will always be there, that I didn't have these days with Aaron when he was littler or even with Parker.

Tonight as I cuddled Parker and read, Aaron sat on the edge of my bed and happily listened.

Bedtime is exactly what it needs to be for us in this season and I'm finally more than okay with that. It might be a season that seems to pass all too swiftly, much like summer. It may instead be more like a long winter. Either way, I'm cherishing every page read...Every cuddle with Parker...Every time Aaron goes off to bed only to sneak in a minute later and sit near our feet as we read...every moment forever etched in my memory and my heart. It seems these moments swell with each goodnight kiss and the the smaller, sadder memories have a little less room to take up residence.

Goodnight Moon and goodnight little boys that still believe their Daddy hung that moon and their Mama has the best hugs in town.

Editors note: Just for clarification, Aaron has no problem with books. He enjoys looking at them often and hopes soon to be reading on his own (he's close). He enjoys receiving them for gifts and especially loved his insect books for his 7th birthday yesterday. He was even thrilled to let me read 2 of the 3 of them to him at rest time yesterday. His issue has always been about having things read aloud to him, not books in general.

(not so) Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-05T10:45:00.005-04:00

or The Emperor's New Clothes: Parker edition

Layer by layer=
orange long sleeve tee that is "too long, too funky and too orangey, but I'll wear it to bed"
royal blue mesh football practice jersey that is "comfy and holey"
Mag's now too small bathrobe that is "soft and warm and perfect"
Miami dolphins costume jersey that is "slippery and stripey"
playsilk from The Purple Tangerine because "playsilks are perfect for bedtime. Don't worry I'll take it off my neck and snuggle it"
all topped off...or tied off rather...by the tie from Daddy's bathrobe "because it's comfier than the string I was using."

Those of you that have children with sensory issues likely know what a challenge it can be when seasons change and with it comes the clothes swap out. It seems my sweet boys finally get used to wearing shorts/tees and sandals and then BAM! it's time to switch to pants, sweatshirts and boots. Not to mention coats, mittens and the like. It can be rough.

I am always in awe when I read friends post on facebook, twitter, etc that they've completed the clothes switcharoo. It takes us days.

Days. Sometimes weeks.

Getting them to try on things to decipher what fits/doesn't and what I need to buy is a long, tedious process. It is MUCH too overwhelming to have them try on everything at once. It's almost always a battle to even convince them to get started, much less, finish. I've learned over the years to break it up, spread it out over a couple of weeks and to sneak it in when possible.

As in, it's time for bed let's get on some pajamas. Then I hand out pajamas from the stash and wait. A few minutes later and it's "oh, it looks like those are a bit too big, guess we'll put them up for next year. Here you can try this pair."

I've also learned not to push my luck. By the third pair they are on to me and they will wear them whether they fit or not.

Enter into this challenge...Parker.

What? You thought I was talking about Parker already?

Um, no.

Parker is not that easy. Yeah, I realize the swap isn't easy for the others, but Parker is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

Parker generally doesn't like clothes. I'm sure I've shared that a time or two before.

So, not only do we have the usual issues with switching seasonal clothing but we also have Parker issues on top of that.

He's been resisting for over a month. I've had to wrestle him to try stuff, quickly decide if it fits before he pulls it off and then move on to the next outfit. I finally know what fits, but the real problem is that of everything in his closet he will easily wear exactly two shirts. Sure he's wearing the other clothes, because, well going naked isn't an option and those are the clothes he has so he's wearing them. At least enough to make a few suitable outfits. I'm willing to let slide the things that really bother him. Okay, well everything really bothers him. There are some things though that push him over the edge enough that it's not worth the battle to me. Those things will be going to a new family soon.

The interesting thing this year is what's displayed in the above picture.

He's embracing the fact that colder weather means he has to actually you know, wear clothes.

We've gone from wanting to be naked and changing clothes seven hundred times a day because nothing fits right, feels good, is tolerable. To now this week I can't keep clothes in his drawer or closet. I no sooner do a load of laundry and he's grabbing stuff to layer it on. He's still changing seven hundred times a day, but he's keeping them on longer and he's layering to be warmer.

Now if I could just convince him that four short sleeve shirts, underwear no pants and clifford slippers are not exactly a warm fall outfit...

Back in the saddle...

2011-09-19T12:37:00.007-04:00

or, more accurately:

Back on the field!

After missing nearly 3 weeks, including the first two games of the season, Rock was ready to go. We agreed to let him try Friday night practice and depending on how he felt and if there was any swelling would determine whether Saturday's game would be an option for him.

He was sore afterwards, but the "regular" pain he always deals with and not related to the injury. Pain or not, I'd say he looks pretty happy.

The game on Saturday was tough and in the end it was a 12-7 loss, but that's okay.
Rocklin was just happy to get in for a few plays. (If you click on the images you can see them bigger. His orange and turquoise knee sleeves are sticking out from the bottom of his pants, makes it easier to identify him. He's playing Defensive Tackle)

Shared passions

2011-09-16T11:04:00.009-04:00

Family unity and togetherness are hugely important to us. We work hard to be sure our kids all know they are loved individually, but that they are also part of a family. We want them to understand that we won't sacrifice family on the alter of one particular persons dreams, goals or interests. We do many things together and limit how much we are splitting up and running off in a gazillion different directions.

At the same time we encourage them to develop their own interests and passions, build their own friendships, and find their own trail to blaze so to speak. We want them to find positive ways to express their individuality, but within the scope of our family culture.

It's sometimes a hard balance. Having to evaluate things like sports and other events and weigh out the cost to the family versus the benefit to the individual.

I love seeing them grow and become more and more their own person.

I love seeing them develop interests and find their path in life.

I love how very different each one of them is and I love the variety that it adds to our family.

This morning, though, I'm reminded of one of the things I love the most about seeing my children find their niche in life and discover what things really captivate them:

Shared passions

I just absolutely love when one child's interest ignites something for another member of the family.

We have several examples of this, Jerald's love for birds getting the whole family interested in birding for one.

This morning's example brought me back to memories of sweet days when my bigger boys were the little guys.

As a toddler, Jerald loved, I mean LOVED acorns. Something about them just fascinated him.

He would collect them until his pockets were overflowing.

He would spend significant amounts of time turning them in his hands,
trying to spin them like a top,
dropping them into a little metal bucket to hear the tink-clink-tink sound as they dropped one by one.

Over the years his love for them dwindled as he expanded his horizons and found delight in birds and other pursuits. He still loves acorns and you can bet the average walk through the park will find him bringing home a few. However, it's been years since they were a consuming interest for him.

Fast forward to last week. Jay and Mag are taking tennis lessons and while they play, the little two boys roam around a small area just outside the tennis courts (Rock is off to football at the same time). It just so happens there are many acorns all around.

Parker has decided that he loves acorns. No, really he LOVES acorns. Something about them just fascinates him.

This small boy that keeps me constantly on the move will stop and play with a pile of acorns for seemingly forever.

He fills his pockets until they are overflowing,
then empties them one acorn at a time.

He turns them over in his hands.

He tries to spin them like a top.

He loves the tink-clink-tink sound as he drops them one by one on the bleachers.

I keep finding acorns in the laundry, just as I did when Jerald was a tiny tot.

I keep finding myself saying things like "please put the acorns away until after dinner" and "please put the acorns under your pillow and go to sleep".

This morning I walked over to the sink to see this:

Pretty sure I knew which child to ask, I called Jerald to the kitchen.

Grinning ear to ear he said...

"It's an acorn. Parker and I decided to plant one. We'll have our own oak tree. Having our own oak tree, means we'll have lots and lots of acorns to share."

and so it is...

a passion shared.

a connection made.

two brothers so very very different,

finding a common interest,

building a bond that I only hope will continue to grow strong like the mighty oak of whence their tiny acorn came.

Saturday morning superheroes

2011-09-10T11:19:00.011-04:00

You won't find the likes of Batman, Spiderman or Captain America here in rebel-land.

We are however, not devoid of superheroes, especially on a Saturday morning.

It's a well known fact that the one and only real Superman lives here.

I realize we wives all tend to think of our husband as Superman, (or at least we should) but really mine is the real deal.

He's even got the pants to prove it.

See?

Some of you might remember from near the bottom of this post in 2009, that we also have an adorable little superhero known as "dirty, dirty Superhero".

So Super is he, that he doesn't look dirty at all, but completely adorable.

What's his superpower you wonder?

bedtime stall tactics.

He can easily take your average bedtime routine and turn into an hours long spectacular event of stalling, bargaining, cuddling, laughing and eventually falling asleep anywhere but in his own bed.

Today, on this bright and wonderful Saturday morning we welcome a new superhero into town!

He's speedy, so speedy in fact that he is able to tickle mom and be on the other side of the house before she even has a chance to scold him for running through the kitchen.

He's crafty, so crafty in fact that he doesn't need an expensive superhero costume. No, this hero needs only a pair of scissors, a scrap of fabric, a piece of yarn and a very loved favorite blanket to transform himself from six year old boy to superhero status.

He's into bugs, so into bugs these days that his mama keeps finding empty cicada shells all over the place. Observing the ants in big brothers ant farm is one of the few activities that will slow him down.

meet the Superbest Superhero around today...the self-named, self-proclaimed

Speedy-Bug the Superboy!

Sand...a short picture essay

2011-09-05T12:47:00.003-04:00

From the sidelines

2011-09-04T09:58:00.015-04:00

It's not easy as a parent to stand back and see our kids go through hard stuff.

It's not easy to see them stumble and fall, to be disappointed, to learn that things don't always go as planned.

It's not easy to help them process their feelings as we try to process our own.

It's not easy to give them wings.

We want to protect them, pick them up, keep them from falling in the first place.

Yet, that isn't our job.

We are to guide them through the hard stuff, not protect them from ever encountering it.

We are to love them and support them as they fumble and find their path in life, not push them through the path we set for them.

We are to teach them along the way, and help them learn to think for themselves not coddle them into being adults that follow like sheep to the slaughter.

It's beautiful to watch them stretch and grow.

It's painful to see them fall and struggle.

It's humbling to see them learn to think outside the box and to accept that it's okay that they think differently than their parents.

It's encouraging to see them make progress.

It's heartbreaking to see them sometimes disappointed and crushed.

It's amazing to see them learn and push through some tough things to become better people and to find victory in big and small things.

This past week was one of those hard times for us. Rocklin took a fall last Sunday and injured his knee. In an instant his hopes of playing in the season opener for football were dashed. It was very hard to watch from the sidelines yesterday.

Realizing after a full week things don't seem to be any better at all is hard as well. It means missing the second game of the season is much more likely than he wants to admit.

Yet, it's also had some beautiful moments.

Being a boy of few words, this opened up the opportunity for an amazing conversation about disappointment, trust and making lemonade out of lemons.

He has endured a bit of teasing, last year and the beginning of this year. Nothing major, but pushing the bounds of good naturedness. His dedication to and support of his team despite his injury earned him some respect. The teasing became much more goodnatured, the "boys will be boys" type. With that change has come change for him too. Little bit, by ever so tiny little bit he's coming out of his shell. A smile and chuckle where there once was a blank stare. A nod of the head where there once was a quick look at the ground. A quiet, short answer where there once was silence.

He's learning that while we cannot control everything that happens to us, we can control how we respond to it.

He's learning to be thankful in all things. To change his perspective. He realizes there are many reasons football could be a dream not realized and that his dream is temporarily deferred, not permanently impossible.

He's grasping that while we can't always understand our circumstances, we can always trust our loving God in the midst of them.

I'm learning something too here.

I'm learning that while in the moment I want to keep him from falling,struggling, being disappointed that's not really what I want in the end at all.

In the end, I want him to see failure as opportunity to learn. To see struggles as a refining fire to strengthen him. To find joy, true joy, not just happiness and to realize that true joy will carry him through disappointment. I want him to trust and know that God cares not just about the big things, but the small things too.

I think this week has shown me that he's further on that path than I thought and that I am too.

Perspective

2011-08-31T08:00:00.009-04:00

I posted not that long ago that Aaron's imagination and creativity have really taken off over the past several months. It's been so fun to watch and it's been a very clear testament to the fact that his perspective is often very different than that of those around him. He thinks up amazing and elaborate mazes, games and is constantly creating things at his little desk in the kitchen.

One of the things that I love the most about his growth in this area is his eye for potential. He entered some things in the children's department of our State Fair this summer and one category is "recycled class". Anything created from recycled materials of any sort qualify. He wasn't able to get this particular project done in time, but it ignited something in him. He now loves, loves, LOVES to take just about anything we'd consider trash and recycle it.

After a few weeks of this, I'll admit it started to become a bit annoying. I could not throw out anything without him saying "hey, do you think I could recycle that?" We started having battles over what was okay to recycle (an empty cereal box) and what wasn't okay (the peel from a banana). I had to pick my battles and we had a lot of tears and frustration when either a)I said No or b) I said yes and then he figured out on his own that it didn't work or was a bad idea. We dealt with siblings getting annoyed and worked on both his reaction to that and their reaction to him.

While at times I am tempted to be frustrated, annoyed and impatient over this, especially with the mess it makes in my kitchen every day, it takes just a second to bring me back to center. I only need to remember where we were 6-8 mos ago, a year ago, 2 yrs ago and so on. He's come far. He's growing and changing every day. To remember that it wasn't that long ago when a piece of paper before him would either remain blank or he'd copy a siblings picture and now he creates his own. It wasn't that long ago when he'd dress up because someone gave him the costume, but then he'd sit nearby and do his own thing. Whereas now he will actually participate a good deal of the time and even come up with his own ideas sometimes.

I can't say I'll never be impatient or annoyed, but I can say that I hope I will never take his perspective for granted. I'll never stop being amazed at how his brain works. I'll never stop being thankful that he's working hard every day to share his perspective more and more. This child that once shared very little now wants to share every thought, every idea, every neat thing he creates. I'll never miss the significance that this boy who once paid little attention to things around him now picks up just about anything and creates something out of it.

Perspective is everything.

Yes, we have far to go in some areas, but we've come so far and every day I see his potential more.

I learned that from him you know.

This eye for potential.

It comes from a shift in perspective...

Seeing treasure instead of trash.

Seeing growth instead of lack.

Seeing adventure instead of obstacles.

Where some see just a scrap of paper,

Aaron sees

a lock and key.

Where some see a bunch of wood,

Aaron sees

a pirate's ship.

Where some see a child with a list of diagnoses or a child that seems to be "one of those" kids, the ones that just need a spanking or need to know who's boss or any of the other judgmental things we've heard over the years. (For those of you that read that and say "He's the sweetest kid ever, I can't imagine him acting like that. Well, I'll just say you've not been around him enough. You've probably been around him in a structured, controlled environment where he generally does well. If you could ask the security guard at the mall recently that watched with disdain as I wrestled him and practically had to sit on him to keep him safe you'd probably not hear that he is a sweet child. If you asked the parents at the park that witness his difficulty in leaving the park 9 times out of 10 you'd probably not hear that he's a sweet obedient boy. While he is indeed a sweet, sweet boy his struggles are very real and very present in his life whether you see it in your short times with him or not.)

I see,

my sweet, funny, determined, strong and amazing Aaron.

I see,

(unprompted here, he decided to dress up like George Washington)
progress and growth.

I see,

(2nd place for his age group in the state junior duck stamp contest)
potential. Not so much in tangible ribbons and rewards tied to his performance, but the potential that really matters.
The potential to do big things.
The potential to take small steps that really make up the big leaps in life.
The potential to change the world every time he shares his perspective.

School is in session

2011-08-29T21:27:00.008-04:00

Today was the first day of school here at FreeWater Academy for the 2011-2012 school year.

One day done, 179 to go, but who's counting?

This past school year was very difficult on many levels. Our entire family was sick a lot with various upper respiratory and GI viruses so just getting school done was often a challenge. We encountered several educational issues as well as some personal issues of my own thrown in the mix. Obviously we also had the already numerous challenges that we face on the table.

I found myself wondering a lot if homeschooling was really the right option for us.

I found myself even more often insisting that it wasn't the right option simply because I didn't want to do it anymore.

In all of our years of homeschooling, we've done mostly year round schooling. That is, we've chosen to take breaks here and there as needed/desired instead of taking a long summer break.

With all of the turmoil, we opted to take the summer off almost completely this year. It was a rough summer. Very rough for many reasons, but one being that the kids really needed the structure and routine that comes with the school year.

Despite the difficulties, it was a breath of fresh air for me to take this summer break. I was able to focus on being mom instead of teacher. Of course, the two are very intertwined and the teacher hat is never far away. However, I did not have to focus energy on deliberate or specific teaching goals. I was able to simply be mom and make use of teachable moments as they happened.

As a result, I was able to refocus a bit, recenter myself and recommit to homeschooling my crew for one more year. I spent much time talking with Kev, praying and really evaluating the situation. It was nice to have the chance to look at it without the emotion and frustration of day to day. Taking a break allowed me to get outside of the moment and really look at why things weren't working, to figure out what I could control and accept what was beyond my control. I was able to really look at other schooling options and see how they may or may not be a good fit.

We made the decision to homeschool before Jerald was ever born, before we even married actually. Our ideals then of what it would be like are very far from what our reality has been. We had no idea we'd face the challenges we do, that our children would have special needs. Our plan from the beginning has been to take it one year at a time and re-evaluate.

Most years we've not really re-evaluated much because homeschooling was going well and we didn't see much need to consider other options. It was hard to accept that this year needed a deeper look.

We aren't in the "homeschooling is the only way" camp, but so far we have found that to be the best option for us. While I'm sure this year will have many struggles, we still think it's the right choice for us for now.

I know the new year will have it's challenges, but tonight I'm focusing on it's hopes and opportunities. We didn't have a stellar day, a few things were left undone and the afternoon was a bit difficult. Overall though it was a great day. In fact, for one child in particular it was his best day in months.

Tomorrow is a new day and there is always hope for tomorrow!

Onward we march...1 day down 179 to go, I'm packing an awful lot of hope in that 179 days!

Jerald 7th grade (his glasses were broken when he accidentally stepped on them and the new ones haven't arrived yet)

Rocklin 5th grade

Magdalyn 4th grade

Aaron 1st grade

Parker Kindergarten Notice the hole in his shirt? This is what happens with little boys that cannot stop chewing everything and anything all the time :-(

To give you the full effect, here is Parker's entire outfit for the day: Daddy's t-shirt, his favorite Thomas t-shirt layered over top and his rain boots. Yes, he has khakis and polos filling up the closet, but I have bigger battles. He's dressed, he's happy, he did his schoolwork without a problem, that's what's important to me today.

Always on guard

2011-08-18T08:21:00.002-04:00

I guess when you live in a house with five kids you should always sleep with one eye open, one ear tuned in...

A dog never knows when someone will want to sit on him, dress him up, pretend to take his temperature or listen to his heartbeat, brush his fur, brush his teeth, or rub his belly.

He must always be on guard, especially ready for the camera. Those pesky little rebels always seem to be getting in his face with the camera.

I'm not a dog person. I only have dogs because the kids want them.

He irritates me and I pretend I don't like him.

Really though, he's always been great with my kids and despite his unfriendliness towards others he adores them, protects them, puts up with them and has learned to ignore them when he isn't interested in their shenanigans.

He's getting old, he's getting grumpy, but he's still a pretty good dog and loves his little people.

He really oughta sleep with his eyes open on guard for me to kick him off my couch...

Sloppy hugs

2011-08-14T15:10:00.008-04:00

When Jerald was just a little guy, probably around a year old, he started a tradition.

Every time he got out of the tub, still dripping wet, he'd grab whichever parent was bathing him and say, "swoppy hugs". He especially loved to do this to Kev. The reaction from daddy was much more dramatic because daddy doesn't like to get wet. Then mom or dad, holding the towel would wrap it around him, give him a bear hug and then do the "drying machine". A noisy, silly, rough way of drying him off. We didn't know it at the time, but this was one way of giving him the deep pressure, sensory input that he needed.

We continued this little routine until he was old enough to start doing his own showers.

His siblings have all enjoyed the drying machine, but none of them ever did the sloppy hugs. It was a special thing with just Jerald.

A memory I cherish as my boy is growing up so very fast.

A memory that was brought to the forefront of my mind this afternoon, while bathing Parker.

He's getting pretty independent, but I still like to be nearby and he still needs my help with washing his hair. I was kneeling on the floor next to the tub while he finished up.

He stood up.

Gave me his goofy grin that translates as "I'm about to do something ornery"

He said, "You are the BEST mama in the whole wide world."

before I could respond, he leaned forward

grabbed me into a bear hug

laughed

and said

"and now you are also the WETTEST mama in the whole wide world."

I may not get paid in riches or appreciation outside of these walls, but hugs...wet, sloppy ones or otherwise are a nice bonus for having the best job in the world!

July 2011: Parker discovered the fun of making "hair statues"

It's that time of year again...Football!

2011-08-11T08:44:00.013-04:00

(from the 2010 season)

He's not the fastest, toughest or most skilled player on the team.
He's not likely headed for the NFL.

That doesn't matter.
I couldn't be prouder of this boy and football has little to do with it.

He doesn't play because his friends do. He doesn't have any friends that play football.

He doesn't play because his dad pushes him to play. His dad doesn't actually care much about football.

He doesn't play because it's something to do. He has plenty of other things he could be doing with his time.

He plays because he loves the game and has since he was under two years old.

This boy has lived with joint pain nearly every day since 18 months old, maybe even before that, but he couldn't tell us. You'd never know it unless you are one of the few closest to him to see his subtle signs. The grimace on his face as he bends and twists trying to get relief. The wincing and moans as he tries to get up and moving after periods of being still for too long. The constant moving...bending knees, rolling shoulders, bending fingers.
He's not a complainer.
He will never tell you that he hurts, unless you are his parents or his doctor and even then he hesitates...a nod, a shrug, a pointing finger to where it hurts the worse in that moment. That doesn't mean it's not there. It's there every single day in varying degrees. He will not let it stop him from doing things he loves.

Often he battles dizzyness, nausea, ringing in his ears, headaches. When he first put on a football helmet last year, after years of dreaming of it, he almost quit. It was too much. The helmet bouncing on his head made his already pounding head feel like it would explode. He fought through it. He was not going to let this destroy his dream.

Anxiety and selective mutism are constant companions and it feels like he's in a chokehold, unable to get words out even when he tries. He pushes past the fear and puts himself out there anyway. He's getting more comfortable this year...answering simple yes/no questions and counting through warm up exercises, albeit quietly. He isn't the one that's going to be vocal, boisterous and get the team riled up. He will be there though, just as committed and just as ecstatic as everyone else, even if you don't see it.

GI troubles: reflux, food allergies/sensitivities, abdominal pain are along for the ride too. Like everything else, he fights through it and pushes forward.

He has nothing to prove, yet every time he steps on that field he is proving that victory is about far more than a football game. It's about far more than winning, losing or even playing well.

We think Victory is in those big moments...

When a game is won.

When the underdog rises up to be a star.

When all seems lost and seemingly out of nowhere there is triumph.

Certainly, those are times of victory and rejoicing.

I believe, however, that sometimes our biggest victories come in much smaller moments, with much less fanfare.

When we sacrifice our dreams to live out something completely different.

When we die to self and serve others.

When a child speaks for the first time at 10,
or ties his shoes at 12,
or first sits and listens to a book being read at 7
or potty trains at 6
and a million other similar small moments that really are the big moments...the big victories.

Last night was one of those victory moments. Seemingly small. Unseen. Unspoken. Yet it spoke volumes.

Rocklin had a very difficult afternoon yesterday. He felt terrible. The "usual stuff" all added up with a whopper of a headache and horrible nauseousness tossed in for good measure.

At 4pm, he wasn't sure he'd be able to make it through 2.5hrs of football practice in full gear and the heat. It was his call. While I'm a firm believer in honoring our commitments and I expect my kids to play if we pay for a sport, I will never force them when it's clear they have a legitimate reason not to play.

He opted to go and hoped he'd feel better once he got out there.

He didn't. In fact, he felt worse.

He is not prone to crying. I've seen him in excruciating pain, barely able to move and still he rarely sheds a tear.

Last night the tears came.

Not a lot. He tried hard to keep it together. Yet, as he sat in my chair during a water break, the tears flowed silently down his cheek. His lip quivered as he said, "I think I need to go home."

Again it was his call, but each time he chose not to tell the coach he felt horrible and needed to leave. He was determined to try and push through it. Each water break got him a little closer to being finished and gave him a little more encouragement to keep fighting.

If you were on the sidelines you could tell he wasn't 100 percent, yet despite appearances he was giving all he had in the circumstances.

Perseverance and determination aren't always visible or tangible, but they are always on the road to victory.

I'd still be proud of him if he had tried and found himself unable to go on. The victory is not found in reaching the end. It's found in the pushing and giving of everything you have in every moment of life...sports or otherwise. Reaching the goal, winning the game, getting a reward...those make the victory sweeter, but they aren't the foundation of victory.

He's not the fastest, toughest or most skilled player on the team.
He's not likely headed for the NFL.

That doesn't matter.
I couldn't be more proud of my boy and football has nothing to do with it.

Stairsteps

2011-08-06T14:08:00.005-04:00

Summer of 2004

2008 (someone was unhappy about lining up)

2011 (Aaron's grumpie face is intentional. We are working on recognizing facial expressions and he likes practicing for pictures)

(this is Aaron's surprise face. Also, this pic describes him perfectly...beats to his own drum, goes against the flow, does things his own way. I said, "everyone flip to the side" and I opted not to "correct" him to my way.)

12 years with Jerald

2011-08-03T00:01:00.001-04:00

Dear Jerald,

Happy, Happy birthday!! It's been a wild ride full of unexpected trials and overwhelming triumphs. You have challenged me, tested me, overwhelmed me, exhausted me and taught me more about life and love than I could ever imagine. This year of 11 has been an especially difficult one on several levels. Yet, it's also been a great year of milestones and victories big and small.

Through it all...the setbacks, the struggles, the times I've nearly lost my sanity and the progress, connectedness and triumphs...love has been the glue and the fuel that's kept us going and kept us together.

I'm so completely in awe that your Creator, the one that holds the world in His hands, and knows the number of hairs on your head would love me so much that he'd give me the gift of you!

I fail on a daily basis.

Sometimes hourly.

Sometimes majorly.

Yet you always love, always forgive...always without condition.

I love your passion for life and learning.

I love your determination to master things that often come easy to others.

I love your servant's heart and how quickly and freely you will give of yourself...your talent, your knowledge, your time, your things, your money, your love.

I love your giggles when you find delight in something you read or hear.

I love how you encourage others to do and be their best.

I love your love for trivia and that you randomly share things with me. Like the fact that you share your birthday with Elisha Otis, the inventor of one of your favorite things...the elevator.

I love that even at 12 you are still super excited when daddy gets home each night and you miss him when he's gone.

I love that you like to call me mommy or mama llama still and have no problem giving me a hug in front of scores of kids that think their parents are just annoying sources of money and food.

I love that you like to share scripture with others no matter if it means that you get teased.

I love that you are way more computer/tech savvy than I'll ever be and that you get a kick out of helping me.

I love that you celebrate every milestone you meet with tremendous pride and excitement no matter how small the moment or how long it takes you to get there.

I love that you are completely comfortable getting onstage to sing and that it never even crosses your mind to be nervous.

I love you, Jerald Thomas! I can't wait to see what's in store for you during this year of twelve!

Love,

Mama llama

Sometimes/Always

2011-07-24T23:31:00.008-04:00

(Sunday is usually our most structured, predictable day of the week. This means it's often our best day. Yesterday that wasn't the case. The routine changed, it was no longer predictable, the day was long with too much sitting still/being quiet, too many hours between meals... it was all just too much. By afternoon/evening the wheels fell off the bus and it was hard, very hard. Both boys had significant meltdowns, thankfully not at the same time. Things were touch and go, bouncing between barely manageable and completely impossible and continued into the next day. In the quiet, once everyone was tucked into bed, I sat and processed it all. I pondered and prayed, punched a bit on the keyboard and poured out my heart...)

Sometimes I wonder

…When every little noise seems like a scream, do you still hear my whispers of prayer poured out for you?

…When the slightest touch makes you feel like climbing out of your skin, can you feel the touch of my overwhelming love for you?

…When you struggle with simple tasks and get so frustrated, do you know that I am challenged and amazed by your determination and resolve?

…When you overcome obstacles the world sees as small, do you know that I see you are moving mountains?

…When it all is too much and you are overwhelmed, do you know that I’m here and that I’d do anything in those moments to take your pain and struggle?

…When you fight and scream unable to find the words and unable to process the problem, do you know that my heart hurts in that moment far more than the scratches you’ve left on my arm?

Sometimes it seems

…As if you are a million miles away and I have no idea how to reach you.

…As if the battle is just too much and I wish I could protect you from it.

…As if you will suffocate and I am powerless to stop it.

…As if I’m not equipped for this job and that you deserve so much more than I can give.

Always I know

…That you are exactly who you were meant to be.

…That God could have given you any mama, but he gave you me.

…That no matter how big the mountains, we won’t stop trying to move them.

…That scratches on my arm, holes in my wall, tears down my cheeks are battle scars not mortal wounds.

…That we are doing our best and that is more than enough.

Sometimes

…Autism in our family is barely noticeable, lurking in the shadows.

…Autism screams loud and clear from every corner of life.

Always

…You are loved.

…You are accepted.

…You are both amazing.

…You are my sons and the difficulties of today will never ever overshadow that.

…Tomorrow is a new day, new opportunities.

Sometimes it’ll be hard and sometimes it won’t…sometimes it’ll be both moment to moment.

Always we’ll get through it together.

Aaron, July 2011

Jerald April 2011

Embracing small moments (part 2)

2011-07-23T23:16:00.005-04:00

Part 1 was about finding joy despite being hot, cranky and then hurting my ankle.

Another way I'm trying to embrace small moments is by taking more pictures.

I want our photo albums (who am I kidding, my pics are all on the computer outside of Jerald's baby pictures and a handful every year since)...I want our photos to be of more than just the big moments like birthdays and milestones. I want to make a better effort to capture every day life at home and the fun things we do together.

Here are some of the pictures taken during our trip to the park...

Embracing small moments (part 1)

2011-07-19T14:24:00.007-04:00

On a whim a few Sundays ago, we decided to head over to a nearby park for a bit of family fun time. Unlike their mother, the little rebels all love to ride on paddle-boats. The fact that mommy does not presents a small problem. Only four are permitted on each boat and obviously, the children are not old enough to go alone.

The solution is simple really.

Turn taking.

Daddy takes some kiddos out for an hour, then back to take the others out for an hour. This means Daddy spends two hours on the lake and Mommy spends two hours walking around in the hot sun trying to occupy those not on the boat.

Honestly, I was cranky.

I wanted a nap.

I did NOT want to walk around the park in the heat.

I do not like the heat.

Have I mentioned it was hot?

I griped a bit, then pulled up my bootstraps and we headed out.

I lathered everyone up with sunscreen, waved as the first crew pedaled away from the dock and then headed to the air conditioned nature center.

We spent a bit of time in the nature center, until they closed and then it was back out to the heat.

We had fun checking out the critters...snakes, turtles, lizards and the like. Despite it being hot, it really was mostly an enjoyable time with Jerald and Parker.

Soon enough the hour passed and we headed back down to the boats to switch the crew around. That meant for the second hour, I would get to spend my time walking around with Magdalyn and Aaron.

The nature center was now closed, so no more trips to an air conditioned building. Waaahhh.

Aaron was really tired, hot and the downward spiral towards a tantrum was fast approaching. Although, I'm not sure which of us would hit the tantrum point first.

I decided we'd go walk one of the trails, which was mostly shaded. This would at least keep us busy and moving, which would hopefully make the time seem to go faster.

Plans changed quickly when I stepped onto uneven ground and twisted my ankle. Although the nature center building was closed, there is a large covered outdoor deck area with tables and chairs. I was able to hobble over there and plop into a chair while I tried to figure out what to do next. It was soon clear that I was not going to be walking anywhere for a bit, I couldn't even stand without excruciating pain. (yes, I want your sympathy)

Changing the plan caused that freight train full of tantrum to speed up a bit.

Always the quick thinker, Mag saved the day. She pulled out the camera from the diaper bag. Aaron currently LOVES taking pictures and getting his picture taken. By loves, I mean it's sort of an obsession for him these days.

As much as he loves to have his picture taken, he often prefers the pictures to be just of himself. Many of the pictures where we do convince him to pose with others end up not turning out so well for various reasons.

I decided to "push my luck" a bit and see if I could get him to sit with me to let Mag get a picture of us together. I am often the picture taker and am not in nearly enough pics with my kiddos.

I am not always successful, but I've really been making an effort to embrace small moments. To find joy despite situations, to laugh more, hug more and just enjoy life more.

I'm not glad to have twisted my ankle (which is mostly fine now, so no more sympathy needed), but I am glad that it was a little nudge to stop and seize the moment.

If I hadn't twisted it, we would have just walked around the trail for an hour, probably all of us complaining it was hot and we were tired.

Sometimes, changed plans are a good thing...even if we don't necessarily think so.

I'll gladly give up my Sunday afternoon nap again to get a picture like this:

Out of the mouths (Spring/Summer 2011 edition)

2011-07-12T07:30:00.002-04:00

Some of these are reposts from facebook, but not everyone that reads the blog are my facebook friends, so I'm sharing again.

*Aaron: "Mommy could you please dump out my water bottle and fill it up with different water? This water is too dry."

*Aaron: Is it summer now?

Me: almost, it's still Spring for a couple of weeks.

Aaron: Oh. *pause* Um, why are you eating ice-cream if its still Spring?

Me: Ice-cream is yummy any time.

Aaron: Yeah, but its better in the summer. *pause* Well, it's kind of worser too because in the summer it melts fast and you have to eat it fast. If you eat it fast its not as fun.

*Aaron made my bed and worked really hard to make sure there were no "bumps or wrinkles" anywhere. When he was all finished he said, "A good job didn't I? Don't you think I should be famous for this?"

*Aaron: That sound is annoying me.

Me: I'm sorry, it's a bird outside your window, there isn't anything I can do.

Aaron: Can't you take it's batteries out?

*Aaron is "teaching" Parker while they are playing. He's telling him things like 24hrs is a day, 7 days is a week, etc. Parker said, "and 100 days is...is...well 100 days is something"

*Parker was doing something silly and I called him a goofball. He said, "If I'm a goofball you're a..." pause "...you're a meatball!"

*Parker: I am DEFINITELY putting a hang-glider on my birthday list!

Aaron: WHY? That would be really very dangerous don't ya think?

Parker: Yes and dangerous is fun!

Aaron: I think that's a bad idea. Anyway, mommy won't get you that. She'll go with something safer.

*Parker was supposed to be doing his chores of tossing laundry downstairs and emptying the bathroom trash. He came out the family room and said, "I can't do my chores yet. I need a quiet place out here. Shhhhh, I'm listening. Do you hear it? My heart is still pumping." Guess it's good to check that once in a while.

Genetics

2011-07-09T08:44:00.003-04:00

I recently posted the following picture on facebook with the comment that at least he's wearing them, even if on his head.

That is an improvement from just a few weeks ago.

This morning, I was looking through some old pictures and came across this one. It's Rocklin just about the same age, newly 5.

I am absolutely blaming their father's genetics for this one.

It's the third of July

2011-07-03T00:56:00.007-04:00

and it's your birthday.

Thirty?

Hard to believe you'd be turning 30 today.

I wish I could celebrate with you.

Instead I sit here and remember...the good and the bad.

Your life and how it impacted mine.

(Uncle Aaron with Rocklin 2000)

Your death and how it changed me.

You weren't fond of saying goodbye.

You preferred Auf Wiedersehen...see you soon.

I look forward to that day, little brother. Someday we'll celebrate together again.

For now, I'll tell my kids stories they've probably heard more than a hundred times. Especially the story of how when you were little you thought the 4th of July fireworks were just for you.

Then, when the fireworks start, I'll close my eyes and whisper "Happy Birthday, Aaron" just as I do every year.

Aaron's house

2011-07-02T12:47:00.014-04:00

In the past several months, Aaron's imagination and creativity have really taken off in ways they never have before. He has always played whatever the others are playing, but leading the way is a very new thing. By playing whatever the others are playing, I mean if they dress up, he does too, but then he just kind of walks around and/or does whatever they tell him. Until recently he's never said things like "hey let's play..." and he's really been in his own world alongside them while they play. He gets most of his stories from backyardigan episodes or things his siblings have done in the past, but it's still a big thing for him. Just the fact that he's even playing with siblings instead of doing his own thing while they play near him is a big change.

Along these lines, he has recently become very focused on having homes for his plastic animals and stuffed animals. The past week or so has found him working hard to make a house out of a box. The ideas and design for this are completely his own.

This morning, he asked me to make this video and put it on my blog. He suggested that I tell you "some words about it. That is so they can read the words and decide if they think it sounds interesting or if they want to watch it."

I asked what "words" I should write and here's what he had to say...

"This is a movie that I made for people to watch and know about it. It's pretty interesting so far. I'm going to make some more parts of it. And I made the windows, the five windows and the two doors. And I'm going to finish the rest. Which this movie shows the parts I already have made, but I'm probably going to make another one [movie] because I haven't finished the house and I made the roof and the chimney and the couch and the ladder and the two rugs. I hope that you will like it. This movie is really interesting, how 'bout you watch it."

Turn, Turn, Turn

2011-06-30T22:05:00.005-04:00

also known as "what my five year old likes to do at almost 10pm"

Actually he does this a lot and today...

Well, today it was all day long. I have at least 4 separate videos of him spinning at various points of the day.

I'm not sure what's going on, but three of four boys were very "out of sorts" (dysregulated) today and the other wasn't far behind.

When he wasn't spinning, he was screaming/hitting/kicking or throwing mud-pies at anyone near him.

I figured you'd enjoy a video of spinning much more than a video of the screaming.

Besides, spinning fits with my real point of this post...

As I watched him spin so much today it reminded me of the book of Ecclesiastes (okay, okay, yes I did first think of the song by the Byrds, but then I opted to look up the scripture in my bible instead of googling "Byrds songs")

Anyway, back to my point:

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—

A time to give birth and a time to die;

A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance.

A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

A time to search and a time to give up as lost;

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;

A time to be silent and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate;

A time for war and a time for peace.

Several of those "times" were fitting for this day and several others (mostly, opposite ones) I hope are fitting for tomorrow.

This passage reminds me that when we are in the depths of despair it is not outside of the hand of our God. When we are jumping for joy on the mountaintops it is not unnoticed by Him. When we are in the muck and the mire of every day life, He is here in the midst, guiding every step.

When things don't go as I plan or aren't in my time frame, I get frustrated. I've at times said things like "Okay God, any time would be good..." to change this or get me out of that or help a certain child meet a certain goal or milestone,etc.

If only I could stay ever mindful that it is ALL in His time. His plan.

It's not all about me. In fact, it's not about me at all.

turn, turn, turn...

She is...

2011-06-29T20:47:00.015-04:00

an artist.

a dancer

and

a try-er of new things.

a lover of brothers, big and small.

a giver of gifts both material and from the heart.

a writer of poetry.

an archer.

and

a fair maiden.

a smoosher of playdough

and

a playmate for little brothers.

a catcher of insects (and lizards).

an aspiring photographer.

my sunshine.

a mismatcher of socks even before she knew that was trendy.

a soccer star.

my baby girl and always will be...even when she's 100.

She is the baby girl I never knew I needed until the moment she was in my arms.

She is so very, very much more...

the reminder that joy comes from the heart, not the circumstances.

the baker of breakfast so I can sleep a bit longer.

the example of what it means to serve and love unconditionally.

so often the teacher and I am the student.

a fierce protector of her little brothers.

the biggest cheerleader for her bigger brothers.

the apple of her daddy's eye.

and so very, very much more.

She is patient when her brothers demand so very much of my time and focus.

She is kind when others in this home are often not. (not that she's perfect, but she has learned well to be kind and turn the other cheek)

She is diligent and independent with her schoolwork.

She loves to help with keeping our home clean and tidy.

I am so very blessed by this girl.

I am so very thankful that God gives us what we need even when we don't know we need it.

Father's Day

2011-06-19T09:08:00.026-04:00

I usually avoid posting a Father's Day post. In fact, I've written the words Father's day on my blog exactly one time before today. I wrote this post in 2008, about our Father's Day at the park.

While I've mostly been able to avoid blogging about it, I certainly have not been able to avoid acknowledging the existence of the day. There are cards, facebook posts, Twitter tweets, blog posts everywhere I turn. Five little and not so little children eagerly draw pictures, make cakes and shout "happy Fader's day" to daddy (and sometimes mommy too). This crew loves to celebrate daddy every chance they get!

No, there is no avoiding the day. Neither is there any avoiding the cluster of emotions that come with it for me. A roller-coaster day of sadness, joy, thankfulness, confusion, and much more.

Each year I consider blogging and two questions always stop me and I bury it for another year.

Who do I honor and how?

Perhaps the obvious and best (maybe easiest) answer is to devote a post to my husband. He's definately my favorite dad in the world. On a regular basis, I watch this man as he interacts with his children...our children. I see his complete and overwhelming love for them and my heart soars. He's away from home a lot, working hard to provide for our brood and yet every spare moment of his life is given to them, to us.

In nearly twelve years of parenthood he has not once uttered a grumble or complaint about the amount of work, time, energy or money required to raise five children. He works all day and then often comes home and lends a hand to cleaning up the dishes or doing the bedtime routine. He meets each kids challenges with one goal in mind...to help them meet their full potential.

He gives up weekend after weekend to participate in various activities so our children know he supports their passions even if he doesn't necessarily share them. He tosses a football for hours because Rocklin loves football. No matter, he claims to be "the kid picked last in gym class" and he's really not interested in sports. Countless hours have been spent traipsing through woods, walking on trails helping Jerald add birds to his life list. Despite the fact he really isn't interested in birds. He will eat anything Magdalyn bakes for him and declare it the best ever and he means it every time...even when it's not chocolate. He has played checkers, tic-tac-toe and several made up games a million times in the past year just so he can connect with Aaron and be in his world. He tickles, squishes, wrangles, wrestles, bounces, spins, chases and bearhugs Parker every time he's asked. Even if it's a dozen times an hour and he's exhausted.

He reads the bible to them, he prays with and for them, he teaches them to make church a priority. He loves Jesus and leads our children to Him.

He is a constant example to me of complete, unselfish, unconditional, unending love. I see this in every area of his life, but I see it most as he fulfills the calling of daddy. I can't imagine this parenting journey without your support, input, example, encouragement,leadership and love. I hope it's a great day for you, Kev!

Another obvious, but much more complicated answer to my question is to honor my dad.

At age 30, I met my biological father for the first time. I'm glad I had that opportunity and I'd welcome his involvement in my life. However, he's not my dad. He has no desire to be such and he gave that chance up years ago. Still, I think of him on Father's day. I pray he finds the peace he's searched for and never found all of these years.

My mother married when I was around 2yrs old to the man that I have always called dad. He died when I was 11 and those years in between were far from a picture perfect childhood. I recently posted about his death and I wish things had been different. I'd love to see what his involvement in my life would look like today. Would he love being a grandfather to my children? Would he give them horsie rides on his back and share his frozen m&m's with them? Would he invite them over on Saturday mornings to have "kiddie coffee"? There are many questions and not enough answers about this part of my life, but I'm at peace with that, finally.

I could pay tribute to other father figures in my life over the years...uncles like my Uncle Artie...my maternal Grandfather, my rock and a man I miss every single day. I'm thankful to have several men that contributed to my life and all of them get at least a little of my thoughts on Father's day.

I think more than anything, this year I want to publicly acknowledge a man that before now has received little recognition from me (privately or publicly), yet aside from Kev, I think he deserves it the most.

Technically he's my step-dad.

His mom once said to me, "the only steps in this family are the ones leading out the door" and I've never forgotten that. I introduce him to others as my dad, but I've never called him that outside of introductions. I call him Bruce, or Grampie.

Today, on this father's day 2011...

Bruce, I want you to know that you are my dad whether I call you dad or not.

I didn't meet you until I was 16 and I hated you.

I was a rebellious brat, full of anger.

Nearly grown, used to making up my own rules and out of nowhere you laid down the law.

Keep your room clean.

Don't swear at your mother.

Ask before inviting friends over.

You will be grounded if you miss curfew.

I thought you were insane.

Well, actually I thought a lot more than that, but I won't post it on my blog.

I moved out, determined to never speak to you again.

I finished high school, went off to college, moved back home and started dating Kev before I ever began to even attempt a relationship with you.

I didn't ask you to walk me down the aisle at my wedding because you weren't my dad and didn't deserve that honor. Almost thirteen years later, I still regret my attitude about that.

Then I was pregnant with Jerald and everything changed.

I changed.

You changed.

Our relationship changed.

You loved my son before he was ever born. Wholely, completely, he was your grandson and you couldn't be prouder.

What I had failed to see for years, was suddenly very obvious, you had loved me all along too.

We don't always see eye to eye and our personalities sometimes clash, but there is not a doubt in my mind that you couldn't love me more even if you were my biological father.

In June 1995, you didn't just marry my mother...you took on her three adult/near adult children and have loved us like your own. You have no idea how much that means to me.

You have nine grandchildren now, with Jerald being the oldest at almost 12. You love every single one immensely and you'd give each of them the moon in a heartbeat if they asked for it.

I'm glad my children know you as the best Grampie in the world.

I'm glad my mom finally has the love she deserves.

More than anything, I'm glad for the healing in our relationship and it's an honor to call you my dad.

Happy Father's day, I love you.

Summer 2010: Grampie with six of his nine grandchildren

They do not get their dancin' skillz from mama

2011-06-06T17:37:00.003-04:00

Last week, Rocklin was playing around with his drums in the family room. I came around the corner to the kitchen to see Aaron and Parker having a great time dancing to the beat. Thankfully the camera was nearby and I was able to catch the moment. Wonder if I can count this as music education/appreciation? ;-)

(you might have to turn it up a bit to hear the drums as they were in the family room and the door was closed.)

2011-06-02T23:12:00.015-04:00

On days like today, I guess you play hard

and

crash harder! (and don't give a care in the world to the fact that there are trains against your nose.)

(now, let's just hope he sleeps all night...meaning without waking at all and for more than 5hrs)

Wordless Wednesday-focused

2011-06-01T13:45:00.003-04:00

Wordless Wednesday hosted here

Wordless Wednesday-Birthday edition

2011-05-25T08:03:00.004-04:00

Since this is the birthday edition, I'll throw in a few more pics with some words for a bonus!

A coupon book with coupons for free meals, and free cleaning services...can't wait to cash them in!

Doesn't he look like a real bunny? He had me take about 50 pictures until I got one that satisfied his attempt to show just two teeth like a bunny. He's quite proud of the fact that he made the bunny ears by himself.

The indian...when I came out they were all standing together and yelled "surprise". I said, "What's this?" and Rocklin whipped out his "gun" and said, "it's the indian shooting the rabbits" then immediately made shooting noises and all of his siblings/the bunnies fell to the ground. I always wanted dead rabbits for my birthday...

Parker no-cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail...he made sure to show me he had ears, but no tail.

**Other wordless wednesday posts can be found here**

Math is fun!

2011-05-23T18:02:00.004-04:00

Parker loves all things numbers and counting. I shared in this post that he is further along than I thought. He is adding, subtracting and even a few times multiplying on a regular basis and often expresses his love for "numbers and math stuff".

So, it came as no surprise a few weeks ago when he requested "math stuff" as a birthday gift. Upon further questioning we discovered that what he really wanted was Saxon 1 Math.

He was thrilled to pieces to receive those two blue workbooks from Kev's parents on Saturday. Thrilled.

He requested water ice instead of birthday cake, so we spent some time at the park and then headed to the local water ice place. While there, he asked if he could please, please, please do a math page as soon as we got home.

He fell asleep on the way home and yesterday was a busy day, so today finally brought the beginning of Kindergarten for Parker.

I'm a little sniffly, I can't believe my baby is now a kindergartener.

While I was typing this he came back inside and asked to do another page, so two pages down.

Such concentration...

I asked him what he thought about doing math and he said, "GREAT!"

Having to write his name on every page is almost as thrilling as doing the math work.

He chose to draw spiders as his "animal". Some of them only have five legs. I told him spiders have 8 legs and he said, "Not these spiders, they got their legs chopped off in a fight".

Happy Birthday Parker!

2011-05-21T23:49:00.003-04:00

Parker,

You are such a gift to me and I'm beyond blessed to be your mama. It's hard to believe that five years have passed, I am certain it was just yesterday we were snuggling and just getting aquainted!

Thank you, Parker for five years of a life full of kisses that make me melt, laughter that brings indescribable joy, and energy that both exhausts and exhilarates me.

Happy 5th birthday! I can't wait to see what adventures this year of 5 holds for you!

Love,

Mama

Growing up

2011-05-18T17:15:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it's hard to let go.

I often lament that they are growing too fast.

I wish at times these days could last forever.

Sometimes though,

Sometimes this growing up and taking on more responsibilities can be a good thing.

Yay, for sons (and daughters) that can take over the mowing!

*Jerald is older than Rocklin, but for several reasons, (one being severe allergy to fresh cut grass) mowing is not in Jerald's future. However, Rocklin recently asked to learn and he hopes to completely take over the mowing soon.

While daddy is away...

2011-05-14T20:52:00.011-04:00

...mommy and the children will play.

Jerald and Kev spent the day chasing birds all over parts of New Jersey while the rest of us held down the fort at home.

Soccer was cancelled because of the weather, so we enjoyed a lazy day.

We watched movies on netflix.

We played webkinz on the computer and/or played the wii.

We ate junk.

We napped (well, mommy napped)

We did chores, but just a few.

Then, I decided to try for Mother of the year...

we got out paint and paint brushes and had a great time.

We started off simple by painting suncatchers.

Then added in drawing and painting on canvas.

From the start, Parker could hardly contain himself at the possibility that I might let him finger paint.

Parker cannot ever get enough of sticky, gooey, messy, slimy, wet, cold stuff running through his fingers. Playdough, mud, paint, glue...he loves it all.

His mama on the other hand, well it's sticky,gooey,messy,slimy,wet,cold stuff...did I mention it's messy? How about gooey and slimy?

Yeah, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. Mama has sensory issues too and well, sticky, gooey, messy, slimy, wet, cold stuff is just ick.

To give you an idea how often I allow finger painting, I'll tell you that we are using up the last 1/4 of the bottles of finger paint that I bought when Jerald was a baby. Most of that has been used in the past year.

Jerald HATED finger painting, we did it once and that was once too many times. I brought out paints with Rock and Mag once in a while, but I don't think we did the finger paints.

Along came Aaron and I found the paint when cleaning out the basement. I thought that Jerald HATED finger painting? Well, Aaron hated it a million times more (and still does). So, I put the paints back in the basement and we didn't try again.

A year or so ago someone found the paints and brought them upstairs. I decided to try it again with Aaron and discovered that time and absence had not made the heart grow fonder in his case.

Parker?

Parker was a different story altogether. The boy cannot get enough. We've gotten the paint out a few times since discovering his great love for the stuff. It's been a while though.

So, here we are on Saturday afternoon and I decided to get over myself and my issues with the paint.

The pictures say it all...

He was having so much fun. He invited Aaron to join him and this was Aaron's response.

I intended this picture to capture Parker, but afterwards realized that it captured both boys enjoying themselves in different ways. I love how it shows the contrast between their personalities.

I'm not sure that this secured that mom of the year award...it always seems to be beyond my grasp.

That's okay, because Parker says I'm the best mommy in the world even if I won't let him tickle me with paint covered fingers.

Hearing that and knowing they had a fun day, even if it wasn't anything super extraordinary is worth more than money can buy. Besides, there is always room in my heart to keep these treasures...beats needing space for a trophy anyday!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-04T08:27:00.007-04:00

I couldn't narrow it down to one picture...sue me.

**You can find other wordless Wednesday posts here**

Sam

2011-05-01T09:42:00.008-04:00

Meet Sam.

Sam and Rocklin are friends.

It's always good to have another driver in the house.

Especially when that driver owns a trash truck. This really comes in handy when I'm trying to de-clutter the house a bit.

You never quite know where Sam will turn up.

In his free time, he likes to just hang around the house a bit.

It seems that even Sam can appreciate a tall glass of water on a warm day.

Some days I think Sam has overstayed his welcome.

Having someone sick pretty much since Thanksgiving, coupled with trying to maintain all other areas of life, housework has taken a backseat. We are doing well with maintaining things like laundry and dishes,straightening up and keeping the bathroom clean. However, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, etc has been a little lacking lately.

I think Sam has had enough and is trying to encourage me to get it in gear and clean this place.

Bootcamp for Lousy Housekeepers?

Yup, I think Sam is trying to tell me something and I think it's time for Sam to take a hike.

(I first found Sam trying to steal a sip of Kev's tea and then a while later, I found him here on the bookshelf outside the bathroom. I'm not sure where Rocklin gets his humor, but he often cracks me up)

*If, like me, you struggle to keep on top of things (regardless to if you have a good excuse or not) you might want to check out this book. It's written by my friend, Heidi and you can find it here.
Please note, I am not being compensated in anyway (other than her friendship) for posting about this book. I bought a copy and gleaned many useful things from it, although I don't follow it completely.

It's Official

2011-04-25T08:41:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, we spent the afternoon/evening with friends. There were 29 children (from 5 families...adults were a wee bit outnumbered) and they were all playing various games both inside and outside. Such a great time!

So, Aaron is outside playing with a dozen children and comes running in the house and hands me his tooth.

Losing teeth has been a huge fear for him for a really long time. When he turned six, he said the only bad thing about turning six is that he would start to lose his teeth. For months, he has talked about it and we've reassured him it was fine. That tooth has been loose for a while, and he's avoided chewing with it as much as possible not wanting to make it "more loose-ish". A couple of days ago it became really wiggly and he was really nervous about it.

All of that and it was a complete non-event. He was very relieved to discover that it fell out, he handed it to me and that was it.

A while later, he came to me and said "I guess it's really official now. I'm really and truly a big kid 'cause I lost a tooth."

Now this morning, Parker keeps asking how many days until he loses a tooth and becomes a real big kid.

He is Risen!

2011-04-24T07:00:00.006-04:00

Mark 16:1-8

When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, bought spices, so that they might come and anoint Him.

Very early on the first day of the week, they came to the tomb when the sun had risen.

They were saying to one another, "Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance of the tomb?"

Looking up, they saw that the stone had been rolled away, although it was extremely large.

Entering the tomb, they saw a young man sitting at the right, wearing a white robe; and they were amazed.

And he said to them, "Do not be amazed; you are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who has been crucified He has risen; He is not here; behold, here is the place where they laid Him.

"But go, tell His disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you to Galilee; there you will see Him, just as He told you.'"

They went out and fled from the tomb, for trembling and astonishment had gripped them; and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.

The children's choir, which includes 4 out of 5 of the little rebels, will be singing during this morning's church service. I can't wait to hear. Of course, that's partly because I'm a proud mama and love when my children get to sing in church. More than that, I am thankful for a church that teaches and preaches the truth and challenges even young children to grasp more than just fluffy children's songs. They have been practicing, memorizing, beginning to understand powerful lyrics for several weeks. I pray that the words and the truth they contain will be etched into their hearts long after this mornings service is over.

Here are the lyrics to the song they are singing...

Worship Christ, the risen King

Rise O Church and lift your voices
Christ has conquered death and hell
Sing as all the earth rejoices
Resurrection anthems swell
Come and worship come and worship
Worship Christ the Risen King

See the tomb where death had laid Him
Empty now its mouth declares
Death and I could not contain Him
For the throne of life He shares
Come and worship come and worship
Worship Christ the Risen King

Hear the earth protest and tremble
See the stone removed with pow'r
All hell's minions may assemble
But cannot withstand His hour
He has conquered He has conquered
Christ the Lord the Risen King

Doubt may lift its head to murmur
Scoffers mock and sinners jeer
But the truth proclaims a wonder
Thoughtful hearts receive with cheer
He is risen He is risen
Now receive the Risen King

We acclaim Your life O Jesus
Now we sing Your victory
Sin or hell may seek to seize us
But Your conquest keeps us free
Stand in triumph stand in triumph
Worship Christ the Risen King

May love, family, food, fun and most importantly the Saviour, Jesus Christ the Lord fill your hearts and homes this day!

Special needs Tab

2011-04-15T22:47:00.005-04:00

I have posted a "special needs" tab underneath the blog header so that those interested can read our "laundry list" of challenges. You can also just click here to go directly to the page.

I wanted to address it a little more fully in this post. My children are more than just a list of medical/neurological/psychological labels. I know that most of you reading this know that, but I still wanted to share a bit more and since its my blog I can do that. :-)

Many of these struggles aren't a big deal in our day to day life, but they are always there and add to the difficulties of it all. Others are there every day, but their impact varies moment to moment. We have days that are really hard to get through. We have days when we try to figure out how to bottle it for pouring out on a horrible day. We have days that are a mixture of both (the majority of our days fall into this category actually). In many ways, that isn't any different than any life.

I guess, the main difference in my mind is that the trials and challenges coexist in ways that I don't think is the case for most people. We all go through valleys and we all stand on mountaintops...most of us don't do both every day. Sometimes both can happen in the same hour even. Another difference, I think, is that often the things that cause the some tremendous difficulty for us are the "easy" and mundane things of most people's lives. Most people don't have to think about things like the impact of small changes in routine, figuring out what bathroom options are available before going on an errand, or how to convince your child to wear shoes for more than thirty seconds. It's likely that many of you reading this do not have to regularly assure a child that it's okay to sit on a chair without cleaning it or help a child struggle with fear and anxiety of fire while everyone else in the room happily sings "Happy Birthday".

At the end of both the good and the bad days, I try and step back to look at the bigger picture.

The bigger picture shows:

...my children are not a list of labels, problems, diagnoses.

...that perspective is everything and my perspective is life is good. Even when it isn't.

...that everyone has struggles. Everyone has a story. Every life has trials and triumphs.

...sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it hurts -both physically and emotionally.

...that every life is a life worth living.

...that I have a choice every day. A choice to embrace this life and its struggles or become bitter about this life and its struggles.

...that I can choose to embrace and still have days where I fumble, where I wonder why, where I'm angry, where I want to whine, pout and stomp my feet.

Even still, the bigger picture shows that God is bigger than *my* picture. He can handle my pouting, stomping feet and questions of why. He is the one that gives me the strength, self control and focus to stop, regroup and see the bigger picture.

Seeing the bigger picture means seeing the bigger God. The one that whispered my name so long ago, the God that delivered me out of a life so far from where I am today that I can hardly fathom it's part of my story. That is until I see the scars...the ones on my heart and the ones on His hands. Both the ones I deserve and the ones He bears for me.

Life is beautiful. Every detail. The good. The bad. All woven into a beautiful tapestry. When you zero in on individual fibers it often doesn't look like much. Sometimes it can look a little ugly. Frayed, faded, worn thin. When you back up, you see the beauty in all its splendor.

Nothing is more beautiful to me than the tapestry of my life. I wouldn't trade any of my kids for anything. Yes, their health issues are hard. Especially the trying to find answers part and the unending desire to fix it all. Yes, anxiety, sensory issues, autism, all of that brings difficulties that sometimes make me feel like I'm crumbling under the weight of it all.

Yet, stepping back and seeing the fibers of this life shows that some of the very things that are so hard also bring along magnificent gifts. The same struggles that sometimes lead me to asking "why?" are part of the very things that ALWAYS lead me to saying "Thank You".

Thank you, Lord for these precious children and the love, joy, delight, humor, imagination and amazement they bring into my life. Thank you for the frustrations, the struggles, the opportunities to see you work in my life, in their lives and in our family life. Thank you for the truth of your Word. That we can find our strength in Christ alone. That we can trust You will use even the hard stuff for your glory and our growth. I'm so Thankful that my children were knit together in the womb by Your creative hands. You made no mistakes. You didn't sleep on the job. They are exactly who they were created to be and you are working in their lives in every moment, every facet, in every challenge and every victory.

Autism Awareness

2011-04-02T18:46:00.017-04:00

Everywhere you look these days there are efforts of awareness. Facebook, Twitter, blogs, circulating emails, ribbons, car magnets, specially marked items in the grocery store, on and on it goes.

Some effective, some not. Some creative and some not. Some that really serve their purpose well and then others that make you wonder "WHAT in the world does that have to do with ______ Awareness?"
Seriously friends, knowing the color of your bra or where you like to put your purse? Sorry, it doesn't work well for the cause.

There is Mental Wellness Month, National Glaucoma Awareness Month, National American Heart Month, National Kidney Month, Hemophilia Month and that hasn't even gotten us past the first two months of the year!

Breast Cancer Awareness

AIDS Awareness

Orphan Awareness

World Water Awareness

A google search and a bit of time on your hands is likely to provide you with at least a thousand others.

All of these causes are important to someone.

All of them deserve recognition. Some are more urgent than others. Some affect the world in bigger ways. Some have a louder voice than others. Some get more media coverage than others. None of them (at least of the ones I've seen) are invalid.

I think, though, that it is easy for us to nod our head and move right on past anything that doesn't affect us on a personal level. I think this is especially true in these days where Awareness bombards our senses from every side.

This is why I've never been a huge partaker in these campaigns. How do you decide which are worthy of your time, money, energy? If I put money into every one I cared about, Kev would need a fourth job. If I blogged about them all, my blog would be one huge Awareness commercial and I suppose most people would find that annoying. (at least I would)

I have long preferred to quietly support those that are close to my heart and leave the Awareness, shouting from the rooftops aspect more to others.

That's why I've been a little timid in jumping into the ring this month for Autism Awareness Month.

Everyone's heard of Autism.

What does "Lighting it up blue for Autism" have to do with really bringing Awareness?

So what if I wear blue on April 2nd?

So what if I change my facebook profile to an Autism Awareness one?

These are thoughts that have been in my mind for the past few weeks.

Then I thought about this...

1 in 110 children are on the autism spectrum

1 in 88 children in military families are on the autism spectrum

2 of my children are at what many call the high functioning end of that spectrum (Jerald and Aaron).

We've wondered for years, but just recently heard it from a neurologist.*

Part of that delay was our own ignorance and misunderstanding about what Autism looks like in real life.

Yes, everyone has heard of Autism.

However, hearing about something does not bring understanding. There are many people still that know little about autism. Many don't understand that every child with autism is different and that there is a huge variety in both in their abilities and their disabilities....that's why it's called a Spectrum.

My boys are not just part of a statistic. They are two of the best things that have ever happened to me. They are brilliant, funny, handsome and quirky. They also have many struggles and many unanswered questions about their future.

After a bit of chewing on all of this, I had a talk with my boys and then I jumped in the ring... for them.

Awareness is the beginning spark to helping them find support in a world that is often difficult to navigate. Three times in recent months, we've heard some variation of "If you are 11, why do you act like you are 5?" These are not the words of a bully. It's not coming from a motivation of teasing or degrading (though we've dealt with bullying, teasing in the past too). They are sincere words from the mouths of children that don't understand, with parents that do not understand.

From outside, a blue light illuminates the front of the house differently than the white one we usually have out there. That doesn't mean much if you are driving by late at night. We don't live in a neighborhood. I'm not sure anyone will see our blue light and think twice about it. It's doubtful that anyone will wonder if it's connected to Autism.

That's okay.

If it sparked a conversation that would be great, but our real reason for it is much more personal and inward focused.

For those of us that live in this house the perspective is a little different tonight as we Light it up Blue for World Autism Awareness Day.

The blue light changes everything that we usually see.

To Jerald and Aaron it shows them their family loves them, supports them and accepts them.

To the rest of us, it reminds us that while the light might look a little different it is no less a light in the darkness...just like Jerald and Aaron...not more, not less...just a little different.

Awareness is the beginning of understanding, so I change my profile picture, I'm going to talk about it on my blog (along with the other things we face), I light my front porch blue and little by little I hope that it makes a difference for my boys and others on the autism spectrum.

*in the interest of full disclosure, the diagnosis is not official yet, as we need to complete some evaluations first, but it is our opinion and that of the neurologist that they are both on the spectrum...I'll be blogging soon about our journey to this point.

April 1

2011-03-31T23:58:00.005-04:00

It's September 1988:

I never thought that weekend I spent with you would be the last.

I don't remember much. In fact, I'm not sure I remember anything. Except that I was moving to Germany soon to live with Mom. She had gone in July I think and I was to follow mid-September, staying with Mom-mom and Pop-pop in the interim.

Maybe I don't remember, because maybe I didn't even stay the weekend?

Maybe it was just a quick goodbye?

Whatever the case may be, I said goodbye at some point, having no idea the next time I'd see you would be at the hospital and then the funeral home.

It's March 1988:

I remember coming home from school to bags being packed, calls being made and confusion in the air.

Flying back to the states because you were in the hospital and really sick.

Did I even know that you had cancer?

Did I know you were dying?

I can't remember.

A long flight. I remember a baby crying nearly the whole way.

At the hospital. Did we go right from the airport?

I remember a long corridor. Beeps of various medical equipment. The swoosh of nurse and doctor scrubs as they walked past. An elevator, another long corridor and then a nurses desk. I am told to go sit in the "sitting area" not far away. There's a big window overlooking the parking lot. Your room is around the corner. I can't see, but I can hear familiar voices so I know it's close. I sit, alone, and watch traffic go in and out. I think about what all of this means and I wonder if you know I'm there.

It seems like hours later, but likely, it was just minutes and I'm called to come.

The first thing I see is your feet sticking out of the blanket. I cover them and then back away. I don't want to come close. I can't.

That's it.

My last memory of you alive. Did I come close eventually? Did I tell you one last time that I love you? Did I give you a kiss? Did you know I was there?

Why can't I remember?

your voice.

your strength.

your laughter.

Forgotten in 23 yrs of running from it all.

Now, tonight, in this quiet moment...for the first time in 23 yrs I want to remember and it's gone.

It's April 1, 1988:

I'm at Aunt Terri's. We're supposed to be going to the town Easter Egg hunt. I know now it was an attempt to distract me from all that was happening.

The phone rings.

Plans are changed.

Mom-mom is picking me up to take me home. I no longer remember the reason I was given, but I know it wasn't the truth.

A while later, we are driving North.

Me.

Mom-mom.

Silence.

I start asking questions.

She half answers, changes the subject, turns on the radio to drown me out.

I persist. Turn the radio off.

Silence for a while longer.

Then I know.

We are on the top of the old St. George's Bridge and I say, "My daddy is dead isn't he?"

She didn't have to answer.

I saw it in the tears that streamed down her face.

Assorted other memories fill my mind of the days following. Odd memories. Difficult memories. Pieces and parts of stuff that I'm sure I've got all mixed up.

Then I'm flying back to Germany.

A little girl needs her daddy, but I'm okay I decide.

I'm not a little girl anymore you know.

I'm eleven...I'll be twelve soon...

and I...

I don't need anyone!

Only, eleven year old girls aren't always as wise as they seem to be in their own eyes.

I'm 34...I'll be 35 soon....

and tonight, here in this moment of quiet, I need my daddy.

The best days...

2011-03-31T09:10:00.004-04:00

...Start with a good laugh,cold hands and an insult from the most adorable four year old on the planet.

I was awake, but still had my eyes closed when Parker came bouncing in the room this morning. He jumped on the bed, said "I loooooove you soooooo much" and then put his freezing cold hands on my cheeks. I let out some sort of yelp, you know the kind where you are completely not expecting that sort of jolt? He laughed that deep, Parker belly laugh that causes the earth to laugh along.

Next, he squirms his way under my fuzzy blanket because he wants to cuddle a bit. Bliss. All is (mostly) quiet. Bigger kids are spending a bit of time with Kev as he prepares for work. Aaron is at the table drawing an invention as he does almost every morning. A few moments when it's just me and my Punky. How has this boy suddenly become so grown up? He'll be five soon!? I want these moments to last forever!

We are sharing the pillow now. Our faces a couple of inches apart. He's staring at me, trying to make me laugh. I'm determined to make him laugh first.

I lose.

Every time.

Our giggles erupt into full out laughter.

Slowly it subsides.

Silence again.

Then it happens.

My cue that it is time to let the moment go.

It's time to take a deep breath. Let feet hit the floor.

That short, peaceful moment of silence when all is right with the world ends abruptly. He leans in close for a kiss. Instead, he sniffs and says "Um, you smell like stinky marshmellows."

Before I can even respond he's gone. Laughing and bouncing to go tell his daddy that mommy is finally getting out of bed.

I head straight for the shower, where the hot water will wake my senses enough to realize he has never even been near a marshmellow, how does he know what they smell like??!

It might be rainy and dreary, but it will be a bright, sunshiney day here in Rebel-land. Like any day we'll have *those* moments where life is hard. We'll weather them just as we always seem to do. Together. Hopefully with more laughter than tears this time around.

This picture was taken a couple of days ago. You can't tell, but he was jumping on the trampoline, he was a few inches in the air here. He asked me to turn up the heat because he was cold. I told him to put on something warmer than just a pull-up and a blanket draped on his shoulders. He came back a few minutes later with this warmer, bigger blanket. Apparently it was his chosen "outfit" for the day.

Elephants on the blog

2011-03-30T13:30:00.000-04:00

If you know our family well in real life, than you likely know that the little rebels all have some level of special needs.
While it isn't often the focal point of our life or conversations, it isn't something we are ashamed of or try to hide. We have talked freely with anyone that has asked. It's likely that you also know we are in a constant state of trying to figure it all out.

The blog has been a different story. I think it's time to change that a bit. No more elephants hiding on the blog.

If you read through previous posts, you will occasionally see a mention of some of the (physical) medical issues we've dealt with along the way. At times I've mentioned sensory issues and/or certain struggles of various children. Other times, you might read through and see things that show how clueless we've been at times.

Before I post about specific special needs, I want to address why I haven't shared before. Unlike so many other mom bloggers, I didn't start this blog for the purpose of sharing our special needs. I had no intention of it being "therapy" for me or a connection to others dealing with the same issues. I do NOT think it's wrong in any way to blog for those reasons, that just wasn't *it* for me. In fact, the whole idea of finding community (based on special needs) in the blogosphere was a completely foreign concept for me for a really long time.

I began this blog to chronicle our homeschool journey, record funny things the kids say and do and to keep a journal of our family activities, field trips, etc and mostly to share it with family and friends that aren't an intimate part of our everyday life. I've often felt like sharing about our struggles would seem like I'm complaining. My desire is that people will read my blog and see that while our life isn't perfect, I am blessed and wouldn't change a thing. I failed to realize that I could share more about our struggles and still accomplish that.

Special needs are a part of my life every second of every day in some form or another. In deciding what we eat or not, where we go or not, what curricula to use or not...every decision we make is impacted by several factors. My blog was my place of escape...or so I've thought. Though, reading back through my archives recently showed me that I blogged about it more than I thought, even if it seems a bit veiled many times.

I've also hesitated to post about things when we had not sought a diagnosis and/or didn't have answers. While I believe 100% that I am the expert on my kids, I still did not want to misrepresent our situation by sharing mommy led diagnoses rather than official ones.

Lastly and in my opinion most importantly, I've tried to keep my kids privacy in mind. All of this is not entirely my story to share, it is ours...it is theirs. What will they think in ten years when they read my blog? Will they be embarrassed that I shared certain struggles? Will they wish that I had kept more things privately? (I often think this even about the things I do share, must less the things I don't share)

Recent conversations with Jerald have made me realize that in my attempt to not make my blog special needs focused, I've in some ways gone to the other extreme. If you didn't know us and read the blog start to finish, you'd likely not know more than that we deal with a bit of food allergies, sensory issues and GI issues.

That realization brought me to the same questions in a different light. What will my kids think in ten years when they read my blog? Will they think I'm embarrassed by the things that are a huge part of their lives? Will they think that I'm ashamed of who they are? Will they wonder why I never mention autism or why I never explain how sensory issues affect their life? Will they think I've painted a portrait of who I want them to be instead of who they were made to be?

I am trying for balance.

I still do not intend for my blog to become solely special needs focused. Not because of shame or embarrassment, but because my original reason for blogging hasn't changed. I want to keep a journal of our life together. Yes, that life includes special needs and I am going to share more freely about that. No, it's not what defines their life and it's not going to define my blog either.

In ten years, I want my children to read my blog and see God's work in our family. I want them to see that we love them for who they are and that we want nothing more than to find tools that will help them be all that God wants them to be. I want them to know that their special needs are not a curse, but that they are opportunities in their life to grow and stretch and bring Glory to God.

Some time ago, I explained why we call our children the "little rebels", on that page, I wrote the following...

...We want them to realize words like "typical" and "normal" are relative and often used by a society that seeks to stuff people into boxes and categories. We want them to know they are fearfully and wonderfully made quirks and all. We want them to be comfortable in their own skin and be confident in both who they are as individuals and who we are as a family. More than anything, We want them to learn to follow the Lord with all their hearts and to rebel against that which the world has to offer...to swim against the flow of modern culture and seek to be a people set apart for Him.

This still holds true.

I think we've done a pretty good job in real life of helping them to find their confidence in God and to not let their diagnoses define them. Now, I am hopeful that I will be able to do a better job of making that clear on my blog.

Preschool Math the little rebel way

2011-03-08T21:46:00.005-05:00

Here at FreeWater Academy, we do not start formal math until kindergarten. However, I am a fan of exposure from a young age and just "doing math" as part of life. We count, sort and match socks together. We count stairs as we go up and down. We begin fractions as we cut sandwiches to various specifications. You get the idea.

One of the best things, we've done is to place a 100 numbers chart to the front of the refrigerator, at just the right height for certain little people in the house. (Next to it you'll find a multiplication chart and an alphabet/handwriting chart as well). Some of the little rebels have been more curious, more interested in this than others, but overall it's been a great thing for all of them. No pressure, nothing formal, just exposure.

Recently, Parker and Aaron have taken to spending time "at our number pad" each day. Aaron has been working on helping Parker to count and to recognize the numbers. They often do this while I wash dishes and/or prep a meal and it's so fun to listen in on their conversation.

I had no idea that Parker was doing so well, he enjoys counting to ten with me and then asking for help. Stinker.

One day last week, he was counting alone as Aaron was busy with chores. I overheard him and attempted to get a video. As soon as he heard the camera, he stopped so it was a no go. Previously, I had not heard him get beyond 44, so it was great to hear him hit fifty on this particular day.

fordee eight

fordee nine

deep breath

five-tee

five-tee one

five-tee two'szee

five-tee free...

Ah, I wish I had gotten the video.

I did however, capture this video not too many days before the above scene.

(if you click through to youtube, you'll see I've put up a few other videos. None of Mag yet, she was busy and uninterested when I've tried, but I'll get something of her soon. I won't post every time I put a video up, so for those of you...ahem...grandparents....that can't get enough of my adorable kiddos you might check it once a week or so and look for new videos.)

**ed. note: I have no control over what videos "pop-up" for what's next at the end of the youtube video. I don't suggest clicking on those. If you do, it's at your own risk. A direct link to the raisingrebels youtube channel to see all of our videos can be found on the sidebar to your right.**

For the love of birds (and the park)...

2011-03-08T09:53:00.003-05:00

If you've read my blog long enough than you know that birds are one of Jay's favorite things in the world. Aaron has become his little protege, it's wonderful to have this one thing that they can enjoy together.

The Great Backyard Bird Count is something we have participated in for a few years now. This year was a little disappointing, we didn't see near as many birds as we've seen in the past. Still, we had fun spending a day at the park birding, playing and soaking up a bit of sun on one of the warm days we've had recently.

Jay staged this picture to enter into the GBBC photo contest:

This picture makes me smile for so many reasons. One being that it never ceases to amaze me how different each child can be...born in the same family, same parenting methods (mostly), same genetics and yet so uniquely different. To my knowledge, Jay has never once pretended to have/hold/shoot a gun. Rock on the other hand, started making guns out of his toast when he was around 2yrs old and loves to "shoot" all manner of bad guys and tasty wildlife.

After seven or eight tries, this was the best attempt at a group shot:

but this one better shows the really neat tree they were sitting on:

One final try for a group shot before leaving the trail:

Let's eat cake!

2011-03-01T13:28:00.009-05:00

I so love this boy...

and his cake! :-)

For weeks, Jay had planned to surprise daddy and his siblings with a heart shaped cake for Valentine's day. His plans were foiled when we ended up having a GI virus run through the house and he spent Valentine's day in bed. A few days ago, he finally was able to make the cake and I surprised him by letting him put on sprinkles. (something they only get to eat once or twice a year)

I LOVED his cake (despite the fact that I goofed and forgot to put sugar in the icing for him, so it was a bit, um, cream cheesy with no sugar).

More than the cake, I am proud of my boy. He handled his delayed plans/disappointment very well. Not only once because of the tummy bug, but a few days later when I just couldn't fit it in the schedule to help him, it was delayed again.

What's better still?

My icing goof had potential to send him over the edge at the very end of a long, difficult day (it was almost 10PM when we finally made the cake). Instead, he was able to pull it together and find a solution: just sprinkle a bit of sugar on top of the cake. It wasn't quite the same, but it worked.

Funniest thing? Park doesn't usually like icing, he almost always chooses to eat his cake plain, this time, he loved the icing. Go figure!?

Cat got your tongue?

2011-02-12T16:00:00.003-05:00

Nope.

This time the cat got his whole head.

"Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!"

Thank you, Aunt Lynn for the Garfield bag* with the fuzzy yellow blanket.
You could not have given him a better gift. It combines four of his favorite things...the color yellow, the feel of fleece, a bag to put things in (or to put on his head) and when it's full it looks like a "stuffedy animal". I'm pretty sure this puts you on Park's "favorite people" list. :-)

*I know it's not really Garfield. Try telling Park that.

Night cap(s)

2011-02-12T10:14:00.004-05:00

We originally bought this skull cap for Rock to wear under his football helmet. He didn't like the feel of it, but Park LOVES it. He especially loves to wear it at bedtime.

If only picking out his choice of beverage for a "night cap" was as easy as deciding which pajamas to wear...

By process of elimination..."peach is out 'cause I'm 'llergic to it"...I think he ended up deciding on blueberry.

of battles and victory

2011-02-09T10:56:00.014-05:00

All of us fight some form of battle or another every day.

Some are seen and obvious.
Some are invisible.

Some are huge and the outcome can affect our entire lives (and the lives of those around us).
Others are on a smaller scale, seemingly inconsequential.

Some are physical battles.
Others are spiritual.
Some are both.

Sometimes we seem to be fighting alone.
Sometimes we fight with an entire army of friends, family, support.
Sometimes even with that army we feel like we are fighting alone.

Sometimes we fight against an enemy that turns out to be ourselves.
Sometimes we fight and realize there was no enemy, no reason to fight.

Sometimes we fight and see no victory even when the fight is over.
Sometimes victory is sweet.
Sometimes victory is found in the brokenness of defeat.

Sometimes we surrender.
Sometimes we realize that surrender is really how we gain victory.

I'm reminded this morning...

...that even when we feel alone, we are never really alone:

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you, He will not fail you or forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6

...that when all seems lost, hopeless, and we are broken in the hand of defeat we can still say:

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD. Job 1:21

...that even when we lose a battle, we can rest in the knowledge that He has won the war:

I know that my Redeemer lives, And at the last He will take His stand on the earth.
Job 19:25

...that surrendering ourselves is really how we can find victory in Him:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

...that even our defeat can be used for His Glory.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Troubles will come, but so will joy and victory. I need to remember that my focus needs to be on the Lord through it all. He is my strength, joy, and hope. When my focus is on my circumstances I will lose every time.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

(a picture from the archives. Jerald, Rocklin and Magdalyn ready for battle as they recreate the American Revolution)

Always our Chickie

2011-02-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

Some days she's a cowgirl

an astronaut

a pioneer girl

a servant

a queen

a football player

or anything else her imagination thinks up.

Sometimes she's a girly girl.

Sometimes she's a tomboy.

Sometimes she's the little sister tagging along with big brothers.

Sometimes she's the big sister taking care of little brothers and keeping them out of trouble.

Always, she's our Chickie. She's full of giggles and overflowing with joy.

I love you Mag!

A letter to my Pop-pop

2011-02-04T08:51:00.005-05:00

Four years ago, February 4, 2007, one of the greatest men in my life went to heaven. I wrote a letter to him and Kev read it at the funeral because I wasn't strong enough to read it myself. At the time, I was blogging at homeschoolblogger and I posted a portion of the letter over there. Today, I thought I'd repost on this blog as I share these memories with my children...

Pop-pop,

As I sit here this morning, my mind is flooded with memories of you.

*The time you sent your grown daughters to their room for fighting and they obeyed.

*The trip to South Dakota to take me to college. I remember being somewhere in Wisconsin, Mom-mom was driving. We were all holding on tight, scared to death because she was driving so close to the back of a truck hauling a boat. I remember none of us saying anything and all of us hoping she’d give up her turn soon. Then I remember you finally broke the silence. You said, “Mom, you oughta slow down a bit. If you get any closer to that boat, I’ll be able to read the serial numbers off the truck engine”. Everyone laughed, except mom-mom.

*I remember one birthday when you surprised me with my own little flowerbed. I will never forget how much you loved flowers and that you were thrilled to share that love with me.

*The joy you found in my children. You enjoyed their antics and never got tired of hearing the funny things they say and do.

*The night we were eating dinner and Mom-mom’s chair broke out from under her. She fell and you, Uncle Artie and I sat there stunned for a second. Then you said, “Mom, are you alright?” She was able to squeak out that she was okay and you said “good, then we can laugh” and we all laughed until we cried.

*Then there is my most favorite memory of all. When I came back from college, before Kev and I married and I was living with you. I’ll never forget the day I made lunch and Mom-mom told me to put mustard on your sandwich. You stomped your foot on the floor and said “that’s it. I’ve had it. I do NOT want mustard on my sandwich. I hate mustard.” I’ll never forget that Mom-mom began to argue with you, insisting that you do like mustard. She said “for fifty years you’ve eaten mustard on your sandwiches.” You looked at her and replied “and for fifty years I’ve hated every bite.” At that point, I went to my room and decided you could make your own sandwich.

You know, as I remember that day, it was funny. Very funny. At the same time, it speaks volumes of your character Pop-pop. For fifty years you ate mustard on your sandwiches, when you hate mustard. I used to think it was because you wouldn’t speak up to Mom-mom. That might be so, but as I recall the memory, something else comes to mind. Maybe you never spoke up because you didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Maybe you decided to just be thankful for a wife that made your lunch.

We’d all do well to be thankful for our spouses the way you were Pop-pop. I know you didn’t have a perfect marriage. I know there were tough times, but yet again, your behavior speaks volumes of your character. I never heard you and mom-mom fight. I never heard anything but love towards her in your voice. Even when you were irritated, you were loving and kind and funny. Always, you were funny.

Pop-pop, I love you so very much. I told you that so many times, but I don’t think you ever understood just what you meant to me.

You were my Grandpa, but you were so much more.

You were my rock, a shelter, during a tumultuous childhood.

You were more than a Grandpa, you were my sunshine on so many gray days.

You were more than a Grandpa, you were my own personal clown to make me laugh when I needed it most.

You were more than a Grandpa, you were one of my biggest fans, always encouraging me to reach for the stars.

You were more than a Grandpa, you were were my hero.

You were more than a Grandpa, you were my friend.

Pop-Pop, you left an amazing legacy. In numbers alone, it’s amazing…seven children, twenty-two grandchildren, and so far twenty great-grandchildren.

What those numbers don’t tell, is the legacy of love, humility and servanthood you passed on to us. You loved your family more than anything, and you served them faithfully for years, working so hard to provide, never complaining.

When life gave you lemons, you not only made lemonade, but you put those silly little tropical umbrellas and a crazy straw in your glass to boot!

I am thankful for the 30yrs I had with you and I will cherish the memories.

The only time Pop-pop was able to hold Parker 2006

Just because...the cranky version

2011-01-24T17:31:00.010-05:00

I took his picture...

just because it's important to have snapshots of real life, not just the picture perfect moments.

I'm posting these pictures...

just because he's cute even when he's cranky.

and sometimes...

Taking his picture makes the crankies go away (well, for a few min at least).

Especially if you tell him to smile 'cause the picture is for the blog :)

Cranky or not, the world is ALWAYS a better place when this boy is around!

I love you, Punky!

Just because

2011-01-17T22:17:00.007-05:00

I took his picture...

just because he asked me to take it.

I'm posting his picture...

just because I want to post it.

The sun ALWAYS shines brighter when this boy is around!

I love you, Zigity Zoo!

(not so) Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-12T10:46:00.006-05:00

...Alternatively titled:

Parker Picasso paints a masterpiece for mommy
(on his sister's bedroom wall)

(apparently, that little 8.5x11 white paper is not big enough or inspirational enough)

Out of the mouths of my littlest boys...

2011-01-11T14:00:00.004-05:00

Park:

*While helping me make pizza dough one evening...

"You are forgettin' sumthing. You forgot da gun powder"

He meant baking powder.

*Our morning routine includes jumping on the mini-trampoline and/or playing with the exercise ball. Parker was sitting on the exercise ball one day and wanted me to make him bounce. He said, "I need you to jump me up".

*One day a couple of months ago, Park fell and clunked his head on the tile floor. It happened pretty early in the morning and was nothing major. Just a pretty good thunk that gave him a headache for a couple of hours. Close to midnight, I was trying to get him to settle down for bed. After a few minutes of quiet, he very dramatically grabbed his head (on the opposite side from where it clunked the floor) and said, "oh, oh, oh. My head really hurts. It hurts worser and worser when I lay down. I think I need to stay up all night to make it feel better."

Aaron:

*Overheard...
"Look at how fast I can wiggle my phalanges." (Just in case you are a little rusty on your medical terminology, phalanges are the bones that make up your fingers and toes.)

*Aaron was singing Amazing Grace while doing his chores. Jay and I had a good chuckle when we heard, "...that saved a wrench like me. "

* Wisdom shared while being my breakfast prep assistant=

"We are all special. Just different kinds of special."

A few minutes later, he was becoming a bit impatient in waiting for breakfast to be ready. He said, "maybe we should change the speed on the oven so it'll cook faster".

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, pass the tissues...

2011-01-05T20:36:00.021-05:00

It's that time of year again.

When we say goodbye to the old and usher in the new.

When we reflect on the good and bad of the previous year and make all manner of goals and resolutions for the year to come.

When the "sickies" are out in abundance looking for a nice cozy home to settle down for the long winter.

The week before Christmas, our house guests...cough, sneeze, sore throat and sinus crud came for a visit. Apparently, they've enjoyed the stay so much that we haven't been able to convince them to leave. I'm sure the fact that they've been able to rile up their good buddies...GI issues and Asthma has encouraged them to stay a bit longer.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a huge baby when I'm sick. I haven't been nearly as sick as the kids and it didn't catch up to me until just a few days ago. Yet, I've already whined away on twitter and facebook. Kev took half a day yesterday and the whole day off today so I could rest and recover. I'm still feeling miserable, but tomorrow I'll jump back in the game. Even venturing out for the kiddos to play flag football.
I was tempted to sit here and whine the night away. Instead, I decided to do a blog post.

Yes, I know thus far my blog post has been whiney.

Here's where it changes...

We've been lying low and enjoying the time together. While our holiday wasn't spectacular and certainly wasn't brimming with parties or fancy clothes or gourmet food. It was nice to just have Kev home a bit more than usual, activities cancelled and just time to hunker down and recover.

Although there has been a lot of this:

and this:

and this:

and a few other less picture worthy things like vomiting and nose wiping.

There has also been an abundance of wonderful things the past couple of weeks...

like Zig and Park "reading" together:

My bouncy boys pretending to be skydivers:

Building of block towers:

Tree decorating (and almost immediate undecorating, but I'm not blogging about *that*):

Learning pursuits...like figuring out how to take a self portrait with the digital camera. "It's easy, you push the button and run to the chair. The time delay is so slow that you have enough time to get in your chair before it takes the picture"

Have I mentioned that there's been the building of many block towers? Can you guess a favorite Christmas gift?

There's even been a few bear sightings...a bear with an MP3 player no less:

and even with the "sickies" our house is always (well...like any house it has it's moments, but I'm not dwelling on that) full of laughter, love, and goofiness...

I hope that 2011 finds your home overflowing with great joy, fresh opportunities, new mercies and few tissues!

(not so) Wordless Wednesday post: I blinked...

2010-12-15T09:56:00.006-05:00

...and this-

became this-

A reminder that every moment matters, and every day should be cherished before they are a just a memory.

You can find more Wordless Wednesday posts here

Giving Thanks

2010-11-24T23:08:00.008-05:00

...for ten dirty feet that never seem to stop.

...for fifty little (and not so little) fingers that smudge the windows, find their way in cake batter and cookie dough, wipe my tears and tickle my tummy.

...for a husband that loves me unconditionally, no matter how unloving I can be at times.

...for home. It's not the house of my dreams, but the home within the house is greater than anything I've ever dreamed.

...for friends. The ones in real life and the ones that "live" in my computer. The friends that love me for who I am. The friends that know little about me, but are always there to listen and encourage in areas where we have a connection. The friends that I've known for years and the ones that I'm just getting to know.

...for health struggles and how God uses them in our lives to mold us, refine us and use us for His Glory.

...for giggles and belly laughs...especially when they appear for no reason.

...for hot showers...even if they are often interrupted.

...for warm sweaters and funky socks.

...for mint tea and kids that don't mind sharing their favorite mugs.

...for a husband that works a lot and still comes home and jumps right in where needed.

...for nose-rubbies and bear-hugs

...for Thanksgiving dinners past, a house full of loved ones all gone now. The memories with us forever.

...for Thanksgiving traditions...making butter, kids providing entertainment with song and dance, homemade cranberry sauce.

...for new opportunities and challenges

Most of all for a God that loves me more than I will ever begin to understand. That he came to me in the depths of despair, drew me to Himself,made this broken mess into His child is something that I will forever stand in amazement and gratitude.

How deep the Father's Love for me...

Thank you, Jesus...for this...for your Life poured out for mine...for me, this wayward, mess to find the way...for life more abundantly than I ever knew possible...for love that takes my breath away...
every time he kisses me,
every time they say "I love you, mommy",
every time I read your Word.

Calming the Morning Mayhem

2010-11-24T08:31:00.006-05:00

First, the facts...
1.Mornings are often crazy around here.
2.Five children ranging in age from 4-11 with four of them being boys does not equal quiet and peaceful. All of my children are capable of being quiet, one of them prefers much quiet, but generally our neighbors would say we are not a quiet bunch.
3.I am not a morning person and I rarely get more than 5hrs of sleep...even that is usually broken into snippets throughout the night.
4.Three of my children are going 100 miles an hour the moment their feet hit the floor.
5.I am a perfectionist and constantly disappoint myself that I'm not one of *those* homeschool mom's...you know, the ones that have the house spotless, meals prepped and school done all by noon?
6.Despite the above disappointment, I consider it a good day if we have breakfast eaten and cleaned up, math finished and laundry started by noon.
7.If we make it through breakfast, math, laundry by noon AND haven't had a tantrum from anyone (me included) than it's an extra-good day.
8. I've learned that I often (always?) am the one that sets the tone for the day and if I'm crabby, whiny and slothful the children will quickly follow suit.
9.If my morning starts off well, it's much easier to keep the whole day pointed in the right direction.
10. God knows all of the above facts and yet, every day he gives me a new morning to try again. Complaining aside, I truly am very thankful for each day of life I'm given. (those mornings would be so much better if they started say around 11am though)

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how to make mornings calm. How can we start off in the right direction even after a rough night of little sleep? I've had to think of what exactly I mean by terms like calm and quiet and cheerful. The dictionary definitions aren't necessarily what I'm after here.

Which brings me to having a long hard conversation with myself about what I would like our mornings to look like here. I had to stop comparing with other families and with what I thought was the ideal and really think of what would/could work here and how we could change things to achieve that.

I don't expect complete quiet and tranquility (though I'd love that). I don't necessarily want everyone to jump into the productivity of the day from the get-go. In some ways I actually like our slower, laid-back approach. I do think we need to be more purposeful and better at time management. After much thinking, praying, talking to myself and a little talking to Kev, I think we are finally getting into a bit of a morning groove that works well for us. I'm tweaking here and there and this week has been way off for several reason (hence the reason I'm doing a blog post NOW while children are playing rather than doing schoolwork...love the flexibility in homeschooling that we can play now, school later when needed).

Our new "recipe" for a calm morning:
1. Start my morning the night before. Having a plan for breakfast (maybe even having it prepped), clothes out for everyone, the house picked up so we aren't waking to the previous days mess.
2. Quiet time for prayer, scripture reading, hymn singing. I'll be honest. At this time in life, this part is hard for me. No matter what time I get up, kids wake shortly after and I get frustrated having that time interrupted. I finally had to lay it down and realize what's important to me is spending time in the Word not the fact that it is time alone. If a child (or children) is/are awake, they join me. I also cherish my shower time that's usually not interrupted more than 5 times with "I gotta go potty"...yes, with seven people in the house, we still only have one bathroom.
3. Family prayer time. Kev is trying to be ready for work early enough that we have a bit of time to spend praying together before he leaves for work.
4. Hot beverages. My new favorite part of the morning! Wish I had thought of it BEFORE I tossed out the coffee pot a week or two ago. I gave up daily coffee drinking years ago and only occasionally had a cup (or two). So, in a fit of decluttering I tossed it. It's okay, really, I don't need the caffeine and I'm enjoying a variety of herbal teas instead. Kev also bought powdered, instant cappuccino mix from Sam's. It's actually yummy, but I won't buy it again once we use it up. Some mornings, the children are also enjoying a cup of tea...though I think it does FAR more to calm me than it does them.
5. The children have my shower time to play, read, pretty much whatever they want (within the bounds of what's allowable for our family). Having this boundary of shower=play time, but when mom is done school begins has been great.
6. Routine. I have resisted a set routine for years. I have tried them only to toss the idea a few days later. I'm really not even sure why I rebel against this concept so much. I actually like structure and some of my children NEED structure...as in to breathe, they seriously must have structure in their life. My own lack of self discipline has hindered that. So, while I'm maintaining the right to flex when needed, I am finally waving the white flag and creating routines for us to follow.
7. Flexibility. I have to remind myself and the kids that sometimes we really have to "go with the flow" and that is okay. Learning to go with the flow instead of fighting it has been hard for a couple of kids. (Which is one of the reasons we need the routine...but I'm trying to strike the balance of giving routine and teaching them to be flexible)
8. Meeting sensory needs. We have a set time and specific activities each morning for brushing, bouncing, etc. It has been AMAZING to see how much this one little thing has turned our mornings around (though not so little when it's being done times five).
9. Laying down my expectations for schooling. I am learning to meet my kids where they are at (isn't that one of the reasons I homeschool? so why is this so hard for me at times?). I often have high expectations and get frustrated easily when they don't meet them. Facing that this is more my problem than theirs has been a hard, but necessary thing. I am not lowering my expectations, but I'm rearranging them...figuring out what *I* need to do to help them meet them instead of just being frustrated. Also, accepting that some expectations may never be met and that is totally okay.
10. Simplicity. We are getting rid of excess stuff, excess activities, excess school subjects...coming back to the things that are most important to our family and focusing on them. When I let go of all the "extras" it is much less overwhelming.

I am very hopeful that as we continue to tweak routines, simplify life and work together towards our family goals that I might eventually even be able to say I'm a morning person...or maybe not.