Sometimes/Always

(Sunday is usually our most structured, predictable day of the week. This means it's often our best day. Yesterday that wasn't the case. The routine changed, it was no longer predictable, the day was long with too much sitting still/being quiet, too many hours between meals... it was all just too much. By afternoon/evening the wheels fell off the bus and it was hard, very hard. Both boys had significant meltdowns, thankfully not at the same time. Things were touch and go, bouncing between barely manageable and completely impossible and continued into the next day. In the quiet, once everyone was tucked into bed, I sat and processed it all. I pondered and prayed, punched a bit on the keyboard and poured out my heart...)

Sometimes I wonder

…When every little noise seems like a scream, do you still hear my whispers of prayer poured out for you?

…When the slightest touch makes you feel like climbing out of your skin, can you feel the touch of my overwhelming love for you?

…When you struggle with simple tasks and get so frustrated, do you know that I am challenged and amazed by your determination and resolve?

…When you overcome obstacles the world sees as small, do you know that I see you are moving mountains?

…When it all is too much and you are overwhelmed, do you know that I’m here and that I’d do anything in those moments to take your pain and struggle?

…When you fight and scream unable to find the words and unable to process the problem, do you know that my heart hurts in that moment far more than the scratches you’ve left on my arm?

Sometimes it seems

…As if you are a million miles away and I have no idea how to reach you.

…As if the battle is just too much and I wish I could protect you from it.

…As if you will suffocate and I am powerless to stop it.

…As if I’m not equipped for this job and that you deserve so much more than I can give.

Always I know

…That you are exactly who you were meant to be.

…That God could have given you any mama, but he gave you me.

…That no matter how big the mountains, we won’t stop trying to move them.

…That scratches on my arm, holes in my wall, tears down my cheeks are battle scars not mortal wounds.

…That we are doing our best and that is more than enough.

Sometimes

…Autism in our family is barely noticeable, lurking in the shadows.

…Autism screams loud and clear from every corner of life.

Always

…You are loved.

…You are accepted.

…You are both amazing.

…You are my sons and the difficulties of today will never ever overshadow that.

…Tomorrow is a new day, new opportunities.

Sometimes it’ll be hard and sometimes it won’t…sometimes it’ll be both moment to moment.

Always we’ll get through it together.

Aaron, July 2011

Jerald April 2011

Embracing small moments (part 2)

Part 1 was about finding joy despite being hot, cranky and then hurting my ankle.

Another way I'm trying to embrace small moments is by taking more pictures.

I want our photo albums (who am I kidding, my pics are all on the computer outside of Jerald's baby pictures and a handful every year since)...I want our photos to be of more than just the big moments like birthdays and milestones. I want to make a better effort to capture every day life at home and the fun things we do together.

Here are some of the pictures taken during our trip to the park...

Embracing small moments (part 1)

On a whim a few Sundays ago, we decided to head over to a nearby park for a bit of family fun time. Unlike their mother, the little rebels all love to ride on paddle-boats. The fact that mommy does not presents a small problem. Only four are permitted on each boat and obviously, the children are not old enough to go alone.

The solution is simple really.

Turn taking.

Daddy takes some kiddos out for an hour, then back to take the others out for an hour. This means Daddy spends two hours on the lake and Mommy spends two hours walking around in the hot sun trying to occupy those not on the boat.

Honestly, I was cranky.

I wanted a nap.

I did NOT want to walk around the park in the heat.

I do not like the heat.

Have I mentioned it was hot?

I griped a bit, then pulled up my bootstraps and we headed out.

I lathered everyone up with sunscreen, waved as the first crew pedaled away from the dock and then headed to the air conditioned nature center.

We spent a bit of time in the nature center, until they closed and then it was back out to the heat.

We had fun checking out the critters...snakes, turtles, lizards and the like. Despite it being hot, it really was mostly an enjoyable time with Jerald and Parker.

Soon enough the hour passed and we headed back down to the boats to switch the crew around. That meant for the second hour, I would get to spend my time walking around with Magdalyn and Aaron.

The nature center was now closed, so no more trips to an air conditioned building. Waaahhh.

Aaron was really tired, hot and the downward spiral towards a tantrum was fast approaching. Although, I'm not sure which of us would hit the tantrum point first.

I decided we'd go walk one of the trails, which was mostly shaded. This would at least keep us busy and moving, which would hopefully make the time seem to go faster.

Plans changed quickly when I stepped onto uneven ground and twisted my ankle. Although the nature center building was closed, there is a large covered outdoor deck area with tables and chairs. I was able to hobble over there and plop into a chair while I tried to figure out what to do next. It was soon clear that I was not going to be walking anywhere for a bit, I couldn't even stand without excruciating pain. (yes, I want your sympathy)

Changing the plan caused that freight train full of tantrum to speed up a bit.

Always the quick thinker, Mag saved the day. She pulled out the camera from the diaper bag. Aaron currently LOVES taking pictures and getting his picture taken. By loves, I mean it's sort of an obsession for him these days.

As much as he loves to have his picture taken, he often prefers the pictures to be just of himself. Many of the pictures where we do convince him to pose with others end up not turning out so well for various reasons.

I decided to "push my luck" a bit and see if I could get him to sit with me to let Mag get a picture of us together. I am often the picture taker and am not in nearly enough pics with my kiddos.

I am not always successful, but I've really been making an effort to embrace small moments. To find joy despite situations, to laugh more, hug more and just enjoy life more.

I'm not glad to have twisted my ankle (which is mostly fine now, so no more sympathy needed), but I am glad that it was a little nudge to stop and seize the moment.

If I hadn't twisted it, we would have just walked around the trail for an hour, probably all of us complaining it was hot and we were tired.

Sometimes, changed plans are a good thing...even if we don't necessarily think so.

I'll gladly give up my Sunday afternoon nap again to get a picture like this:

Out of the mouths (Spring/Summer 2011 edition)

Some of these are reposts from facebook, but not everyone that reads the blog are my facebook friends, so I'm sharing again.


*Aaron: "Mommy could you please dump out my water bottle and fill it up with different water? This water is too dry."

*Aaron: Is it summer now?

Me: almost, it's still Spring for a couple of weeks.

Aaron: Oh. *pause* Um, why are you eating ice-cream if its still Spring?

Me: Ice-cream is yummy any time.

Aaron: Yeah, but its better in the summer. *pause* Well, it's kind of worser too because in the summer it melts fast and you have to eat it fast. If you eat it fast its not as fun.

*Aaron made my bed and worked really hard to make sure there were no "bumps or wrinkles" anywhere. When he was all finished he said, "A good job didn't I? Don't you think I should be famous for this?"

*Aaron: That sound is annoying me.

Me: I'm sorry, it's a bird outside your window, there isn't anything I can do.

Aaron: Can't you take it's batteries out?

*Aaron is "teaching" Parker while they are playing. He's telling him things like 24hrs is a day, 7 days is a week, etc. Parker said, "and 100 days is...is...well 100 days is something"

*Parker was doing something silly and I called him a goofball. He said, "If I'm a goofball you're a..." pause "...you're a meatball!"

*Parker: I am DEFINITELY putting a hang-glider on my birthday list!

Aaron: WHY? That would be really very dangerous don't ya think?

Parker: Yes and dangerous is fun!

Aaron: I think that's a bad idea. Anyway, mommy won't get you that. She'll go with something safer.

*Parker was supposed to be doing his chores of tossing laundry downstairs and emptying the bathroom trash. He came out the family room and said, "I can't do my chores yet. I need a quiet place out here. Shhhhh, I'm listening. Do you hear it? My heart is still pumping." Guess it's good to check that once in a while.

Genetics

I recently posted the following picture on facebook with the comment that at least he's wearing them, even if on his head.

That is an improvement from just a few weeks ago.



This morning, I was looking through some old pictures and came across this one. It's Rocklin just about the same age, newly 5.



I am absolutely blaming their father's genetics for this one.

It's the third of July

and it's your birthday.

Thirty?

Hard to believe you'd be turning 30 today.

I wish I could celebrate with you.

Instead I sit here and remember...the good and the bad.

Your life and how it impacted mine.


(Uncle Aaron with Rocklin 2000)

Your death and how it changed me.


You weren't fond of saying goodbye.

You preferred Auf Wiedersehen...see you soon.

I look forward to that day, little brother. Someday we'll celebrate together again.

For now, I'll tell my kids stories they've probably heard more than a hundred times. Especially the story of how when you were little you thought the 4th of July fireworks were just for you.

Then, when the fireworks start, I'll close my eyes and whisper "Happy Birthday, Aaron" just as I do every year.

Aaron's house

In the past several months, Aaron's imagination and creativity have really taken off in ways they never have before. He has always played whatever the others are playing, but leading the way is a very new thing. By playing whatever the others are playing, I mean if they dress up, he does too, but then he just kind of walks around and/or does whatever they tell him. Until recently he's never said things like "hey let's play..." and he's really been in his own world alongside them while they play. He gets most of his stories from backyardigan episodes or things his siblings have done in the past, but it's still a big thing for him. Just the fact that he's even playing with siblings instead of doing his own thing while they play near him is a big change.

Along these lines, he has recently become very focused on having homes for his plastic animals and stuffed animals. The past week or so has found him working hard to make a house out of a box. The ideas and design for this are completely his own.

This morning, he asked me to make this video and put it on my blog. He suggested that I tell you "some words about it. That is so they can read the words and decide if they think it sounds interesting or if they want to watch it."

I asked what "words" I should write and here's what he had to say...

"This is a movie that I made for people to watch and know about it. It's pretty interesting so far. I'm going to make some more parts of it. And I made the windows, the five windows and the two doors. And I'm going to finish the rest. Which this movie shows the parts I already have made, but I'm probably going to make another one [movie] because I haven't finished the house and I made the roof and the chimney and the couch and the ladder and the two rugs. I hope that you will like it. This movie is really interesting, how 'bout you watch it."