It's September 1988:
I never thought that weekend I spent with you would be the last.
I don't remember much. In fact, I'm not sure I remember anything. Except that I was moving to Germany soon to live with Mom. She had gone in July I think and I was to follow mid-September, staying with Mom-mom and Pop-pop in the interim.
Maybe I don't remember, because maybe I didn't even stay the weekend?
Maybe it was just a quick goodbye?
Whatever the case may be, I said goodbye at some point, having no idea the next time I'd see you would be at the hospital and then the funeral home.
It's March 1988:
I remember coming home from school to bags being packed, calls being made and confusion in the air.
Flying back to the states because you were in the hospital and really sick.
Did I even know that you had cancer?
Did I know you were dying?
I can't remember.
A long flight. I remember a baby crying nearly the whole way.
At the hospital. Did we go right from the airport?
I remember a long corridor. Beeps of various medical equipment. The swoosh of nurse and doctor scrubs as they walked past. An elevator, another long corridor and then a nurses desk. I am told to go sit in the "sitting area" not far away. There's a big window overlooking the parking lot. Your room is around the corner. I can't see, but I can hear familiar voices so I know it's close. I sit, alone, and watch traffic go in and out. I think about what all of this means and I wonder if you know I'm there.
It seems like hours later, but likely, it was just minutes and I'm called to come.
The first thing I see is your feet sticking out of the blanket. I cover them and then back away. I don't want to come close. I can't.
That's it.
My last memory of you alive. Did I come close eventually? Did I tell you one last time that I love you? Did I give you a kiss? Did you know I was there?
Why can't I remember?
your voice.
your strength.
your laughter.
Forgotten in 23 yrs of running from it all.
Now, tonight, in this quiet moment...for the first time in 23 yrs I want to remember and it's gone.
It's April 1, 1988:
I'm at Aunt Terri's. We're supposed to be going to the town Easter Egg hunt. I know now it was an attempt to distract me from all that was happening.
The phone rings.
Plans are changed.
Mom-mom is picking me up to take me home. I no longer remember the reason I was given, but I know it wasn't the truth.
A while later, we are driving North.
Me.
Mom-mom.
Silence.
I start asking questions.
She half answers, changes the subject, turns on the radio to drown me out.
I persist. Turn the radio off.
Silence for a while longer.
Then I know.
We are on the top of the old St. George's Bridge and I say, "My daddy is dead isn't he?"
She didn't have to answer.
I saw it in the tears that streamed down her face.
Assorted other memories fill my mind of the days following. Odd memories. Difficult memories. Pieces and parts of stuff that I'm sure I've got all mixed up.
Then I'm flying back to Germany.
A little girl needs her daddy, but I'm okay I decide.
I'm not a little girl anymore you know.
I'm eleven...I'll be twelve soon...
and I...
I don't need anyone!
Only, eleven year old girls aren't always as wise as they seem to be in their own eyes.
I'm 34...I'll be 35 soon....
and tonight, here in this moment of quiet, I need my daddy.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
The best days...
...Start with a good laugh,cold hands and an insult from the most adorable four year old on the planet.
I was awake, but still had my eyes closed when Parker came bouncing in the room this morning. He jumped on the bed, said "I loooooove you soooooo much" and then put his freezing cold hands on my cheeks. I let out some sort of yelp, you know the kind where you are completely not expecting that sort of jolt? He laughed that deep, Parker belly laugh that causes the earth to laugh along.
Next, he squirms his way under my fuzzy blanket because he wants to cuddle a bit. Bliss. All is (mostly) quiet. Bigger kids are spending a bit of time with Kev as he prepares for work. Aaron is at the table drawing an invention as he does almost every morning. A few moments when it's just me and my Punky. How has this boy suddenly become so grown up? He'll be five soon!? I want these moments to last forever!
We are sharing the pillow now. Our faces a couple of inches apart. He's staring at me, trying to make me laugh. I'm determined to make him laugh first.
I lose.
Every time.
Our giggles erupt into full out laughter.
Slowly it subsides.
Silence again.
Then it happens.
My cue that it is time to let the moment go.
It's time to take a deep breath. Let feet hit the floor.
That short, peaceful moment of silence when all is right with the world ends abruptly. He leans in close for a kiss. Instead, he sniffs and says "Um, you smell like stinky marshmellows."
Before I can even respond he's gone. Laughing and bouncing to go tell his daddy that mommy is finally getting out of bed.
I head straight for the shower, where the hot water will wake my senses enough to realize he has never even been near a marshmellow, how does he know what they smell like??!
It might be rainy and dreary, but it will be a bright, sunshiney day here in Rebel-land. Like any day we'll have *those* moments where life is hard. We'll weather them just as we always seem to do. Together. Hopefully with more laughter than tears this time around.
This picture was taken a couple of days ago. You can't tell, but he was jumping on the trampoline, he was a few inches in the air here. He asked me to turn up the heat because he was cold. I told him to put on something warmer than just a pull-up and a blanket draped on his shoulders. He came back a few minutes later with this warmer, bigger blanket. Apparently it was his chosen "outfit" for the day.
I was awake, but still had my eyes closed when Parker came bouncing in the room this morning. He jumped on the bed, said "I loooooove you soooooo much" and then put his freezing cold hands on my cheeks. I let out some sort of yelp, you know the kind where you are completely not expecting that sort of jolt? He laughed that deep, Parker belly laugh that causes the earth to laugh along.
Next, he squirms his way under my fuzzy blanket because he wants to cuddle a bit. Bliss. All is (mostly) quiet. Bigger kids are spending a bit of time with Kev as he prepares for work. Aaron is at the table drawing an invention as he does almost every morning. A few moments when it's just me and my Punky. How has this boy suddenly become so grown up? He'll be five soon!? I want these moments to last forever!
We are sharing the pillow now. Our faces a couple of inches apart. He's staring at me, trying to make me laugh. I'm determined to make him laugh first.
I lose.
Every time.
Our giggles erupt into full out laughter.
Slowly it subsides.
Silence again.
Then it happens.
My cue that it is time to let the moment go.
It's time to take a deep breath. Let feet hit the floor.
That short, peaceful moment of silence when all is right with the world ends abruptly. He leans in close for a kiss. Instead, he sniffs and says "Um, you smell like stinky marshmellows."
Before I can even respond he's gone. Laughing and bouncing to go tell his daddy that mommy is finally getting out of bed.
I head straight for the shower, where the hot water will wake my senses enough to realize he has never even been near a marshmellow, how does he know what they smell like??!
It might be rainy and dreary, but it will be a bright, sunshiney day here in Rebel-land. Like any day we'll have *those* moments where life is hard. We'll weather them just as we always seem to do. Together. Hopefully with more laughter than tears this time around.
This picture was taken a couple of days ago. You can't tell, but he was jumping on the trampoline, he was a few inches in the air here. He asked me to turn up the heat because he was cold. I told him to put on something warmer than just a pull-up and a blanket draped on his shoulders. He came back a few minutes later with this warmer, bigger blanket. Apparently it was his chosen "outfit" for the day.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Elephants on the blog
If you know our family well in real life, than you likely know that the little rebels all have some level of special needs.
While it isn't often the focal point of our life or conversations, it isn't something we are ashamed of or try to hide. We have talked freely with anyone that has asked. It's likely that you also know we are in a constant state of trying to figure it all out.
The blog has been a different story. I think it's time to change that a bit. No more elephants hiding on the blog.
If you read through previous posts, you will occasionally see a mention of some of the (physical) medical issues we've dealt with along the way. At times I've mentioned sensory issues and/or certain struggles of various children. Other times, you might read through and see things that show how clueless we've been at times.
Before I post about specific special needs, I want to address why I haven't shared before. Unlike so many other mom bloggers, I didn't start this blog for the purpose of sharing our special needs. I had no intention of it being "therapy" for me or a connection to others dealing with the same issues. I do NOT think it's wrong in any way to blog for those reasons, that just wasn't *it* for me. In fact, the whole idea of finding community (based on special needs) in the blogosphere was a completely foreign concept for me for a really long time.
I began this blog to chronicle our homeschool journey, record funny things the kids say and do and to keep a journal of our family activities, field trips, etc and mostly to share it with family and friends that aren't an intimate part of our everyday life. I've often felt like sharing about our struggles would seem like I'm complaining. My desire is that people will read my blog and see that while our life isn't perfect, I am blessed and wouldn't change a thing. I failed to realize that I could share more about our struggles and still accomplish that.
Special needs are a part of my life every second of every day in some form or another. In deciding what we eat or not, where we go or not, what curricula to use or not...every decision we make is impacted by several factors. My blog was my place of escape...or so I've thought. Though, reading back through my archives recently showed me that I blogged about it more than I thought, even if it seems a bit veiled many times.
I've also hesitated to post about things when we had not sought a diagnosis and/or didn't have answers. While I believe 100% that I am the expert on my kids, I still did not want to misrepresent our situation by sharing mommy led diagnoses rather than official ones.
Lastly and in my opinion most importantly, I've tried to keep my kids privacy in mind. All of this is not entirely my story to share, it is ours...it is theirs. What will they think in ten years when they read my blog? Will they be embarrassed that I shared certain struggles? Will they wish that I had kept more things privately? (I often think this even about the things I do share, must less the things I don't share)
Recent conversations with Jerald have made me realize that in my attempt to not make my blog special needs focused, I've in some ways gone to the other extreme. If you didn't know us and read the blog start to finish, you'd likely not know more than that we deal with a bit of food allergies, sensory issues and GI issues.
That realization brought me to the same questions in a different light. What will my kids think in ten years when they read my blog? Will they think I'm embarrassed by the things that are a huge part of their lives? Will they think that I'm ashamed of who they are? Will they wonder why I never mention autism or why I never explain how sensory issues affect their life? Will they think I've painted a portrait of who I want them to be instead of who they were made to be?
I am trying for balance.
I still do not intend for my blog to become solely special needs focused. Not because of shame or embarrassment, but because my original reason for blogging hasn't changed. I want to keep a journal of our life together. Yes, that life includes special needs and I am going to share more freely about that. No, it's not what defines their life and it's not going to define my blog either.
In ten years, I want my children to read my blog and see God's work in our family. I want them to see that we love them for who they are and that we want nothing more than to find tools that will help them be all that God wants them to be. I want them to know that their special needs are not a curse, but that they are opportunities in their life to grow and stretch and bring Glory to God.
Some time ago, I explained why we call our children the "little rebels", on that page, I wrote the following...
...We want them to realize words like "typical" and "normal" are relative and often used by a society that seeks to stuff people into boxes and categories. We want them to know they are fearfully and wonderfully made quirks and all. We want them to be comfortable in their own skin and be confident in both who they are as individuals and who we are as a family. More than anything, We want them to learn to follow the Lord with all their hearts and to rebel against that which the world has to offer...to swim against the flow of modern culture and seek to be a people set apart for Him.
This still holds true.
I think we've done a pretty good job in real life of helping them to find their confidence in God and to not let their diagnoses define them. Now, I am hopeful that I will be able to do a better job of making that clear on my blog.
While it isn't often the focal point of our life or conversations, it isn't something we are ashamed of or try to hide. We have talked freely with anyone that has asked. It's likely that you also know we are in a constant state of trying to figure it all out.
The blog has been a different story. I think it's time to change that a bit. No more elephants hiding on the blog.
If you read through previous posts, you will occasionally see a mention of some of the (physical) medical issues we've dealt with along the way. At times I've mentioned sensory issues and/or certain struggles of various children. Other times, you might read through and see things that show how clueless we've been at times.
Before I post about specific special needs, I want to address why I haven't shared before. Unlike so many other mom bloggers, I didn't start this blog for the purpose of sharing our special needs. I had no intention of it being "therapy" for me or a connection to others dealing with the same issues. I do NOT think it's wrong in any way to blog for those reasons, that just wasn't *it* for me. In fact, the whole idea of finding community (based on special needs) in the blogosphere was a completely foreign concept for me for a really long time.
I began this blog to chronicle our homeschool journey, record funny things the kids say and do and to keep a journal of our family activities, field trips, etc and mostly to share it with family and friends that aren't an intimate part of our everyday life. I've often felt like sharing about our struggles would seem like I'm complaining. My desire is that people will read my blog and see that while our life isn't perfect, I am blessed and wouldn't change a thing. I failed to realize that I could share more about our struggles and still accomplish that.
Special needs are a part of my life every second of every day in some form or another. In deciding what we eat or not, where we go or not, what curricula to use or not...every decision we make is impacted by several factors. My blog was my place of escape...or so I've thought. Though, reading back through my archives recently showed me that I blogged about it more than I thought, even if it seems a bit veiled many times.
I've also hesitated to post about things when we had not sought a diagnosis and/or didn't have answers. While I believe 100% that I am the expert on my kids, I still did not want to misrepresent our situation by sharing mommy led diagnoses rather than official ones.
Lastly and in my opinion most importantly, I've tried to keep my kids privacy in mind. All of this is not entirely my story to share, it is ours...it is theirs. What will they think in ten years when they read my blog? Will they be embarrassed that I shared certain struggles? Will they wish that I had kept more things privately? (I often think this even about the things I do share, must less the things I don't share)
Recent conversations with Jerald have made me realize that in my attempt to not make my blog special needs focused, I've in some ways gone to the other extreme. If you didn't know us and read the blog start to finish, you'd likely not know more than that we deal with a bit of food allergies, sensory issues and GI issues.
That realization brought me to the same questions in a different light. What will my kids think in ten years when they read my blog? Will they think I'm embarrassed by the things that are a huge part of their lives? Will they think that I'm ashamed of who they are? Will they wonder why I never mention autism or why I never explain how sensory issues affect their life? Will they think I've painted a portrait of who I want them to be instead of who they were made to be?
I am trying for balance.
I still do not intend for my blog to become solely special needs focused. Not because of shame or embarrassment, but because my original reason for blogging hasn't changed. I want to keep a journal of our life together. Yes, that life includes special needs and I am going to share more freely about that. No, it's not what defines their life and it's not going to define my blog either.
In ten years, I want my children to read my blog and see God's work in our family. I want them to see that we love them for who they are and that we want nothing more than to find tools that will help them be all that God wants them to be. I want them to know that their special needs are not a curse, but that they are opportunities in their life to grow and stretch and bring Glory to God.
Some time ago, I explained why we call our children the "little rebels", on that page, I wrote the following...
...We want them to realize words like "typical" and "normal" are relative and often used by a society that seeks to stuff people into boxes and categories. We want them to know they are fearfully and wonderfully made quirks and all. We want them to be comfortable in their own skin and be confident in both who they are as individuals and who we are as a family. More than anything, We want them to learn to follow the Lord with all their hearts and to rebel against that which the world has to offer...to swim against the flow of modern culture and seek to be a people set apart for Him.
This still holds true.
I think we've done a pretty good job in real life of helping them to find their confidence in God and to not let their diagnoses define them. Now, I am hopeful that I will be able to do a better job of making that clear on my blog.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Preschool Math the little rebel way
Here at FreeWater Academy, we do not start formal math until kindergarten. However, I am a fan of exposure from a young age and just "doing math" as part of life. We count, sort and match socks together. We count stairs as we go up and down. We begin fractions as we cut sandwiches to various specifications. You get the idea.
One of the best things, we've done is to place a 100 numbers chart to the front of the refrigerator, at just the right height for certain little people in the house. (Next to it you'll find a multiplication chart and an alphabet/handwriting chart as well). Some of the little rebels have been more curious, more interested in this than others, but overall it's been a great thing for all of them. No pressure, nothing formal, just exposure.
Recently, Parker and Aaron have taken to spending time "at our number pad" each day. Aaron has been working on helping Parker to count and to recognize the numbers. They often do this while I wash dishes and/or prep a meal and it's so fun to listen in on their conversation.
I had no idea that Parker was doing so well, he enjoys counting to ten with me and then asking for help. Stinker.
One day last week, he was counting alone as Aaron was busy with chores. I overheard him and attempted to get a video. As soon as he heard the camera, he stopped so it was a no go. Previously, I had not heard him get beyond 44, so it was great to hear him hit fifty on this particular day.
fordee eight
fordee nine
deep breath
five-tee
five-tee one
five-tee two'szee
five-tee free...
Ah, I wish I had gotten the video.
I did however, capture this video not too many days before the above scene.
(if you click through to youtube, you'll see I've put up a few other videos. None of Mag yet, she was busy and uninterested when I've tried, but I'll get something of her soon. I won't post every time I put a video up, so for those of you...ahem...grandparents....that can't get enough of my adorable kiddos you might check it once a week or so and look for new videos.)
**ed. note: I have no control over what videos "pop-up" for what's next at the end of the youtube video. I don't suggest clicking on those. If you do, it's at your own risk. A direct link to the raisingrebels youtube channel to see all of our videos can be found on the sidebar to your right.**
One of the best things, we've done is to place a 100 numbers chart to the front of the refrigerator, at just the right height for certain little people in the house. (Next to it you'll find a multiplication chart and an alphabet/handwriting chart as well). Some of the little rebels have been more curious, more interested in this than others, but overall it's been a great thing for all of them. No pressure, nothing formal, just exposure.
Recently, Parker and Aaron have taken to spending time "at our number pad" each day. Aaron has been working on helping Parker to count and to recognize the numbers. They often do this while I wash dishes and/or prep a meal and it's so fun to listen in on their conversation.
I had no idea that Parker was doing so well, he enjoys counting to ten with me and then asking for help. Stinker.
One day last week, he was counting alone as Aaron was busy with chores. I overheard him and attempted to get a video. As soon as he heard the camera, he stopped so it was a no go. Previously, I had not heard him get beyond 44, so it was great to hear him hit fifty on this particular day.
fordee eight
fordee nine
deep breath
five-tee
five-tee one
five-tee two'szee
five-tee free...
Ah, I wish I had gotten the video.
I did however, capture this video not too many days before the above scene.
(if you click through to youtube, you'll see I've put up a few other videos. None of Mag yet, she was busy and uninterested when I've tried, but I'll get something of her soon. I won't post every time I put a video up, so for those of you...ahem...grandparents....that can't get enough of my adorable kiddos you might check it once a week or so and look for new videos.)
**ed. note: I have no control over what videos "pop-up" for what's next at the end of the youtube video. I don't suggest clicking on those. If you do, it's at your own risk. A direct link to the raisingrebels youtube channel to see all of our videos can be found on the sidebar to your right.**
For the love of birds (and the park)...
If you've read my blog long enough than you know that birds are one of Jay's favorite things in the world. Aaron has become his little protege, it's wonderful to have this one thing that they can enjoy together.
The Great Backyard Bird Count is something we have participated in for a few years now. This year was a little disappointing, we didn't see near as many birds as we've seen in the past. Still, we had fun spending a day at the park birding, playing and soaking up a bit of sun on one of the warm days we've had recently.
Jay staged this picture to enter into the GBBC photo contest:
This picture makes me smile for so many reasons. One being that it never ceases to amaze me how different each child can be...born in the same family, same parenting methods (mostly), same genetics and yet so uniquely different. To my knowledge, Jay has never once pretended to have/hold/shoot a gun. Rock on the other hand, started making guns out of his toast when he was around 2yrs old and loves to "shoot" all manner of bad guys and tasty wildlife.
After seven or eight tries, this was the best attempt at a group shot:
but this one better shows the really neat tree they were sitting on:
One final try for a group shot before leaving the trail:
The Great Backyard Bird Count is something we have participated in for a few years now. This year was a little disappointing, we didn't see near as many birds as we've seen in the past. Still, we had fun spending a day at the park birding, playing and soaking up a bit of sun on one of the warm days we've had recently.
Jay staged this picture to enter into the GBBC photo contest:
This picture makes me smile for so many reasons. One being that it never ceases to amaze me how different each child can be...born in the same family, same parenting methods (mostly), same genetics and yet so uniquely different. To my knowledge, Jay has never once pretended to have/hold/shoot a gun. Rock on the other hand, started making guns out of his toast when he was around 2yrs old and loves to "shoot" all manner of bad guys and tasty wildlife.
After seven or eight tries, this was the best attempt at a group shot:
but this one better shows the really neat tree they were sitting on:
One final try for a group shot before leaving the trail:
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Let's eat cake!
I so love this boy...
and his cake! :-)
For weeks, Jay had planned to surprise daddy and his siblings with a heart shaped cake for Valentine's day. His plans were foiled when we ended up having a GI virus run through the house and he spent Valentine's day in bed. A few days ago, he finally was able to make the cake and I surprised him by letting him put on sprinkles. (something they only get to eat once or twice a year)
I LOVED his cake (despite the fact that I goofed and forgot to put sugar in the icing for him, so it was a bit, um, cream cheesy with no sugar).
More than the cake, I am proud of my boy. He handled his delayed plans/disappointment very well. Not only once because of the tummy bug, but a few days later when I just couldn't fit it in the schedule to help him, it was delayed again.
What's better still?
My icing goof had potential to send him over the edge at the very end of a long, difficult day (it was almost 10PM when we finally made the cake). Instead, he was able to pull it together and find a solution: just sprinkle a bit of sugar on top of the cake. It wasn't quite the same, but it worked.
Funniest thing? Park doesn't usually like icing, he almost always chooses to eat his cake plain, this time, he loved the icing. Go figure!?
and his cake! :-)
For weeks, Jay had planned to surprise daddy and his siblings with a heart shaped cake for Valentine's day. His plans were foiled when we ended up having a GI virus run through the house and he spent Valentine's day in bed. A few days ago, he finally was able to make the cake and I surprised him by letting him put on sprinkles. (something they only get to eat once or twice a year)
I LOVED his cake (despite the fact that I goofed and forgot to put sugar in the icing for him, so it was a bit, um, cream cheesy with no sugar).
More than the cake, I am proud of my boy. He handled his delayed plans/disappointment very well. Not only once because of the tummy bug, but a few days later when I just couldn't fit it in the schedule to help him, it was delayed again.
What's better still?
My icing goof had potential to send him over the edge at the very end of a long, difficult day (it was almost 10PM when we finally made the cake). Instead, he was able to pull it together and find a solution: just sprinkle a bit of sugar on top of the cake. It wasn't quite the same, but it worked.
Funniest thing? Park doesn't usually like icing, he almost always chooses to eat his cake plain, this time, he loved the icing. Go figure!?
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