1,2,3,4,5...6 years of Parker

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever. 

(Now We are Six by A.A. Milne)

Dear Parker,
 I'm sure that six will be a wonderful year, but like the others it will be gone all too quickly.


Let's fill this year of six up to the brim and spilling over to seven...


with laughter


with squashing like bugs and bear-hugs


with learning to read


with middle of the night snuggles


with wonder and joy in all the big and little things


with playdough and finger paint


with spinning and bouncing


with exploring


with baking cookies and eating bananas


with playing games and hotwheels


with swinging and sliding and rolling in the grass


with "swimming" in the ball pit


with nose rubbies


with Koala hugs and elephant kisses


with more lost teeth and grown up ones coming in

 with all the experiences of being 6, 
and
all the fun of being  
 YOU!
  
Happy Birthday, Punky-doo.


Love,

Mama..."I love you a hundred google much" 

A snippet of life: math "magic"

Aaron just came and gave me his math drill sheet for today.  Apparently writing answers the "correct" way is boring.

Shortly after, I looked over at Rocklin and he was doing his drill sheet "hands-free".

Never a dull moment and no lack of creativity around here...

Happy Mother's Day to my children

I sat here to write a nice mushy post to my children.

All about how much I love being their mama.

All about how this day is really a celebration of them more than it is a celebration of me.

I was going to share a zillion pictures of my adorable children.

I was going to wax eloquent about the joys of motherhood, about those who miss their mothers, those who want so desperately to be mothers and those who are in foster-homes, orphanages or on the streets wishing they had someone to call Mama.

The plans of Mice and Men are apparently equal to the plans of a Mama.

I stayed home from church with Parker because we are both just exhausted and not feeling 100%.

I thought this time of quiet would be a great opportunity to write the post that's been swirling in my head all week.

One little question sent that post right outta my head and gone for good.

As I typed my title and started my first paragraph I felt a tug at my arm.


"Will you please come play in the ball pit with me?"

Instantly, this post no longer matters.

Happy Mother's day to the ones who call me Mama/Mommy...I am who I am largely because of you and every day I am honored, overwhelmed and completely humbled that God gave you to me.

I can't think of a better way to spend this day than in serving you, loving you and best of all playing in the ball pit with you!

 May 2008

Snippets and Snapshots: Dover Days 2012

Dover Days has been an annual tradition for our family since Jerald was a baby (minus one year when we missed to due to sickness).  Each year everyone enjoys riding on the steam cars.  This year, Jerald was excited to get to sit in the front and Mag opted to watch the English Country Dancers instead.

Magdalyn loves watching the English Country Dancers.  Last year she was especially thrilled because she had opportunity to dance with them for one song.  Afterwards, her only complaint was that they were all in period costume and she was in a tee-shirt and capris.  She was so excited to have a colonial dress to wear this year!

She was able to participate in a session of dance lessons and then they danced through a couple of songs.  So much fun!  The boys were all uninterested until the last dance when Jerald decided to give it a try.  He enjoyed it, but I'm not sure he's in a hurry to try again.  Mag on the other hand is hoping her daddy will take her to their next monthly dance.

I'm not sure what Rocklin's highlight was, but I think it's safe to say holding an Eastern Hog-nose snake was one of them!  He also enjoyed the re-enactors and the steam cars.

This picture gets added to my "favorites of all time" file.  It clearly shows the essence of my girl, much like a pic from her toddler days where she's wearing a sweet little dress and a backwards ball cap with wrench in hand to "work" on her bike.

Aaron was fascinated by this turtle.  He knelt for seemingly forever and just watched it walk around, completely oblivious to the people, noise, etc all around him.  However, he was not interested in touching it.

Parker had great fun touching anything and everything he could all day.  He thought the snake felt "strong and a little bit slimey and slipperish".

Aaron was not interested in holding the snake, but after several minutes and watching three of his siblings hold it he decided to give it a try.  He wouldn't close his hands to really hold it though and it slithered it's way up towards his face.  He was done at that point and nearly dropped it to the ground.

We've often enjoyed the American Revolutionary and Civil War reenactors, but I think this is the first year we wandered over to see the medieval reenactors.  This helmet and shield were much heavier than Jerald anticipated I think.

Parker was a bit lost in the helmet and with Nana's big jacket he reminded Kev of this commercial.

All she needs now is a sword!  After she took the helmet off, one of the re-enactors gave her a "beautiful rose for a beautiful girl". 

The highlight for Jerald every year and the main reason we go to Dover days is he can stop and see Mrs. A spinning wool.  He's been fascinated with all things fiber-crafts since he was a toddler and he has enjoyed visiting with her every year.  We usually have to pull him away to go look at other things, this year was no different.  In fact, he stopped by three or four times today.  Several years ago she gave him a drop spindle and wool and taught him to spin the wool into yarn.  He couldn't quite get the hang of it back then, but recently decided to try it again.  He couldn't quite remember her directions, so today she showed him again and gave him a bit of wool to practice.  The minute we got home he was at work spinning!

All wasn't perfect and some moments at the beginning had me wondering if we should have stayed home, but over-all it was a fun and full day!  Now I think I hear my bed calling...

Reset

Ever have one of those days?

I mean one of *those* days.

Where there are tears and tantrums ...

over doing math

over wearing clothes

over everything it seems?

One of those days where your kids are anxious and behave accordingly...

because you are almost out of lactaid

because your library books are over-due

because everything seems out of order to them?

One of those days where it seems every moment is consumed by...

settling a squabble here

kissing an owie there

making meals

doing chores

schoolwork

dog messes

kid messes

and a million other things

Not one second to think...to use the bathroom...even to breathe?

Ever have a day like that?

No?

Just me?

Really???

Yeah, didn't think so.

What do you do on a day like that?

Do you give up and hope tomorrow is a better day?
Sometimes I do.

Do you call your spouse and tell him you quit?
Sometimes I do.

Do you call the school to see what time tomorrow the yellow bus can pick up your kids?
Sometimes I'm tempted.

Sometimes though, I get back up again and keep trying.

Sometimes I look for a reset button.

A way to stop and "smell the roses"

A way to forget about all the stress and look for the blessings.

Today was shaping up to be one of *those* days.

I pulled the plug on it.

I decided the best way to move forward was to stop and back up.

Back-up and kneel down...spend some time praying.

Back-up and shorten the list...math, meals, laundry and outside...everything else will still be there tomorrow.

Back-up and do something fun...I baked a cake with Parker. (which by the way deserves it's own post...soon)

Back-up and shift perspective...I am blessed by these children, I am blessed to be home with them and even our roughest days are a gift.

Now we move forward.

One foot in front of the other.

Looking for joy in the little things.

This is the day that the Lord has made;
    let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-8)

Wordless Wednesday: Notice anything missing?

Snippets and Snapshots: Homeschooling weekend style

Home Ec+ Art+a little math+ a little science+ toss in a few life skills=

Wedding cake ("just because it would be fun to try and make one")


She made the cake and icing from scratch and did it completely by herself. Yay, Mag!


A little PE, social skills and just plain fun:

Jerald enjoyed another Saturday of soccer


Aaron, Mag and Parker enjoyed another Saturday of basic tumbling


Rocklin enjoyed dragging mom out of bed to run at the park at 6:30am...no picture of that though.

He's also enjoying being the family photographer and has been taking pictures every spare moment. The most fun has come from taking pictures like this one :-)


Games of strategy gave us plenty of time to work on critical thinking skills and social skills-like how to be a gracious loser. Of course that one was mostly practiced by mom since she lost every single game.


Discovering a flat tire on my car allowed Rocklin to come to my rescue and learn a new skill.



Later in the day, Kev was working on the Suburban and Aaron asked to help. Aaron generally prefers to watch or do something else when it comes to this sort of thing. Wanting to take advantage of the fact he asked to help, Kev found something he could do. I'm not sure exactly what he was doing in this picture, but it involved a socket, wrench and a lot of muscle...


The weekend was also full of plenty of laundry, knitting, drawing, napping, cuddling, laughing, eating and a million other good moments and some difficult ones as well.

Regardless to what your weekend held, I hope that as the new week begins, you find yourself refreshed and ready to start the week!

I Crumble

Every holiday.

Every April.

Every July.

Honestly...

every day.

I crumble in some way or another.

I feel a little piece of my heart fall apart.

Some days I quickly gather up the pieces and try to keep it all together.

Other days I feel like I can't breathe and if I move it might all shatter and crash to the floor.

8 years ago I fell to my knees outside your hospital room and begged for a miracle. I continued to hope for one as I traveled back home and waited for word.

8 years ago the phone rang and as I stood next to the washer folding Kev's jeans I crumbled to the floor.

That miracle wasn't going to happen.

We were told to come quick.

The time had come to remove life support, but they were going to wait for me. I was the last to get there I think.

It's mostly a blur as I tossed clothes, food and kids into the car and we headed out.

On the way, I made the hardest decision of my life.

I told Kev to call and tell them not to wait for me, you had been through enough. It was time to let you go.

The phone rang back. Hurry they said. The doctors said it could be minutes,hours or a couple of days, there was no way to really know.

I cried as Kev drove and kids slept.

The drive from Delaware to Boston seemed a million miles long.

We dropped the kids at the hotel. I don't even remember who stayed with them. I do remember how hard it was to get a room, turns out it was the days surrounding the Boston Marathon. Apparently empty hotel rooms are hard to come by during that time.

We rushed down the road only to get lost as we searched for the hospital. I was frantic, Kev was frustrated and I needed to be at your side like NOW.

Putting aside all of his manliness, Kev pulled over to ask for directions only to find out we were in the right spot. Of course, we didn't see the hospital name lighting up the night sky until after asking for directions.

The next several hours remain a mostly jumbled mess in my mind.

I remember holding your hand and staring at the nurse's whiteboard. Under "Allergies" someone had written "Red Sox" and while I never cared about baseball, I've been a Yankees fan ever since that moment.

I remember odd things like the smell of the room, the noise from the tv though I can't recall anything specific when I close my eyes I can hear it. I remember seeing you so still, not moving except the movement of your chest as it rose and fell with each labored breath. Then I said goodbye.

In the morning, you were still hanging in there so we came again to the hospital. This time I knew it was the final goodbye. Kev had to be to work the next day, we would need to leave.

I felt like I was abandoning you.

I felt like you deserved to have us all by your side as you left this life.

I was angry that I was being forced to leave.

I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

Years later I would begin to think that you wanted us to go. Maybe you hung on longer than anyone expected because you didn't want everyone there. Shortly after I arrived back home, you went quietly without all your rowdy friends and family stirring things up.

When the phone rang I crumbled again as two simple words changed my life forever.

"He's gone"

8 years later the pain is as real as it was in that moment.

8 years later I still feel robbed.

8 years later I'm still angry that skeletons in the closet clothed in secrets kept us from knowing we were siblings for far too long.

8 years later I still regret that our last conversation was an argument.

8 years later I still wish I could have heard you laugh one more time.

8 years later it's still sometimes hard to say his name...your name.


8 years later I'm still so glad we named him after you.

8 years later I'm thankful that you were in my life for 22yrs...as my cousin, as my friend, as my brother and as Uncle Aaron to my children.

(Uncle Aaron and Jay 2000)

8 years later I'm thankful that as my heart crumbles I'm able to use precious memories of you to glue it back together.

8 years later I'm thankful for your smile, your hugs, your toughness and your tenderness.


(Uncle Aaron and Rock 2000)

8 years later I'm thankful for the things you taught me in your life and through your death...to love life, to give myself to those I love, to say "I love you" often, to laugh a lot, to play hard and love harder and that life is too short to hold grudges.

8 years later I'm thankful for the short time you and Michael lived with us when the big boys were small. It wasn't without it's challenges, but I will cherish that time forever.

8 years later I still don't understand.

8 years later I still crumble.

8 years later I cling to knowing that His ways aren't my ways. That He has a plan even when I don't see it or like it. That He loves you more than I ever could.

8 years later I can say "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21)

8 years later I love you little brother and I miss you more than I ever imagined possible.

8 years later I crumble, but I trust in the God that first called your name and then called you home and I trust that someday we'll worship Him together.


Michael, me, Aaron 1999...one of only 2 pictures I have with both my "little" brothers.

Wordless Wednesday: The hands of time

2008


2012



My how they've grown...

Great Moments in Sports Otherwise known as Never say Never

Maybe "What a difference a few years can make" might be a more accurate title?

or

How about "what a difference the right environment can make"?

Regardless to what blog title it's given the following is, simply put...

progress,

growth,

and supportive, encouraging people making a difference in the life of my boy.


The Fall of 2006 found us searching for ways to help our boys with some of their social struggles. At this time we knew virtually nothing of anxiety disorders, selective mutism, Autism/Asperger's, sensory issues and the like. We just knew our boys were "quirky" and struggling and we wanted to find ways that might help them.

Enter recreational soccer.

While this didn't really help Rock at all in terms of his social struggles, it was a natural fit for him. He loved playing and has continued to play both soccer and football (with a couple of attempts at tee ball thrown in) ever since.

Jerald on the other hand was a different story.

He hated soccer.

We aren't a particularly sports minded family and we are not the type to push our kids into specific interests or try to fit them into a mold we carve out for them. The fact that he really did not enjoy soccer on any level was completely fine with us.

We did however, insist he finish the season because we wanted him to learn to honor his commitments, put others before himself and a whole host of other lessons we thought he'd learn through the experience. Not to mention we paid the money and he wasn't gonna quit. (hindsight is such a great thing, oh how differently we would have handled that situation now)

So, he continued week after week for several very long weeks. He didn't like the socks or the shin-guards. He didn't understand the game or it's rules...both sports rules and unspoken social rules. He hated the screaming of parents from the sidelines, especially when it seemed everyone was screaming to do something different. He was picked on for not being fast enough or good enough. All he really wanted to do was watch the birds flying overhead, not the ball on the ground. The entire experience was overwhelming to him.

After one particularly difficult game he sighed and said "You know, I'm just not a sports guy. I'm a bird guy."

At the end of the season he declared he would never play soccer again.


Jerald Fall 2006

Outside of a few attempts at kicking the ball around the backyard or a quick game or two at church fellowship meals he held true to that declaration. He had no desire to play soccer again.
He gave tennis a try and that was a better fit interest-wise, but was still a struggle skill-wise. He maintained that his interests lied in less athletic pursuits.

Several months ago, things changed. He overheard a conversation in which I told Kev about a soccer program for children with disabilities. A couple of days after that conversation he started to ask questions and eventually asked if it might be something he could try.

I don't give a hoot whether he ever plays a sport or not, but the fact that he was interested in this was in itself nothing short of amazing.

Knowing his past experience and how difficult it often is for him to step out and try new things made this a rather big deal.

After dealing with a lot of logistics to make it work and giving him plenty of time to be sure he wanted to give it a try, yesterday was his chance.

I was hugely proud of him for even considering it, but I must admit I was also nervous about how it would all go. I tried to prepare him for the possibility that it would still be too much and that it was completely okay for him to decide again that soccer just isn't his thing.

I feared it would be too many people, too much noise, too confusing, too much pressure...all of the things that overwhelmed him in 2006. On the way there he started to struggle with anxiety and refused to wear soccer socks or shin-guards and I began to worry that we made the wrong decision.

I could not have been more wrong.

My boy LOVED it.

He thrived.

Turns out he didn't have to wear the soccer socks or shin-guards, so after leaving those with me he wandered across the field to jump in with the other kids.

He was paired up with two older teen boys (who play on a competitive team) to be his "buddies" and they spent some time just kicking the ball around with him, encouraging him and instructing him. He felt none of the pressure he felt that first soccer season. He was able to do his personal best and not worry that it wasn't good enough.

After about 20 minutes or so Jay's buddies brought him over and introduced him to a few other buddies and players and the group played a scrimmage of sorts. I cannot begin to describe what it meant for me to see my boy grinning from ear to ear, kicking the ball and giving high 5's after he made it in the goal.

Aside from one small moment (a congratulatory "tunnel" to run through) he didn't enjoy at the very end, it was a complete success!

I know that this success is largely due to his own growth and progress over the past few years.

Really though, I cannot say enough about having the right environment.

He's still not and may never be ready for a "regular" program with his peers and that's okay. I'm so thankful that there is a program like this, with kids like his "buddies" C and Z. Other kids that will come alongside him and help him to enjoy something he long thought wasn't for him. As we walked off to the parking lot afterwards, both boys came running to us. They wanted to again tell Jay that he did a great job, they had fun playing with him and that they hoped to play with him again. It was clearly obvious that they meant it. He smiled all the way home.

He is so excited and can't wait for next week. In fact, this boy that said he'd never play soccer again came home and immediately said "is it okay if I go out and practice soccer in the yard?"

As for me, I'm hopeful that next week I can stand on the sidelines and not have to pretend my allergies are causing my eyes to water.

Not wiping away tears might go a long way in helping to get some better photos...

but I think the smile on his face here says it all.

Wordless Wednesday: brothers

(not so)Wordless Wednesday: snapshots of our day

The camera was nearby as we were doing school work this morning, I thought a few of you, my mother mostly (hi mom!), might enjoy seeing a little glimpse of our day.

Multi-tasking at it's finest: helping with math and phonics while folding laundry (and snapping pictures).



Oh look, the mail came. It didn't take long to flip through the sales flyers and even less time before a certain child (ahem, Parker) started shredding them all over the kitchen.


Anyone want to guess how many times I had to go get Parker and bring him back to his work before he finished his page?
Hint: *many*.
(However, that's one of the things I love about homeschooling. We have the flexibility to take as long as is needed even if that means splitting one page up over several days.)


Trying to help Aaron stay focused on his phonics isn't a problem until they toss skulls into the mix. It takes a few minutes for him to stop saying "ew" and trying to erase it, but in the end he scribbled it out and still completed the page. I'm calling that success!


Each child has a desk, but more often than not they prefer other spots to work. For most of them, my bed is the favorite spot. For Jerald it's a little beanbag chair in the foyer.



Jerald needs quiet (complete silence would be best) to work and Rocklin needs to be tapping, humming, moving to focus. This can cause some serious friction at times and usually means separating them.

I went to the other side of the house to find Rocklin so I could include him in this post and was not surprised to find him munching on an apple. A great way to get the movement/noise he needs to focus AND try to satisfy the hunger beast of a growing boy.



So, there you have it. Nothing extraordinary. Just a few moments of our life...

Autism awareness...a year later

April is designated as Autism Awareness Month and today, April 2nd, is World Autism Day. This time last year we were just wrapping our minds around the reality that our long held suspicions were true...Jay and Aaron do fit on the Autism Spectrum.

Last year we put out a blue light on our front porch. There were no grand hopes of reaching the world, just a small whispered prayer that this tiny gesture would make a difference within our family.

I hoped it would be one small way to show Jay and Aaron that they are loved, supported and accepted for exactly who they are...the fabulous, creative, funny, sweet, unique, intelligent boys they were created to be.

Last year I wrote...

Awareness is the beginning of understanding, so I change my profile picture, I'm going to talk about it on my blog, I light my front porch blue and little by little I hope that it makes a difference for my boys and others on the autism spectrum.
(you can read the whole post by clicking here.)

I was asked the other day, "So,What exactly is Autism anyway?" I soon realized the person was just making small talk and only wanted a quick one-line answer. In that one small moment I was reminded again that Awareness is only the beginning.

With new statistics suggesting Autism affects 1 in 88 children (1 in 54 boys and 1 in 252 girls) chances are high that your life has been touched by it in some way. Most everyone has heard the word, now it's time to find out what exactly it means.

You can start with realizing that behind...

the statistics

the negative media attention

the puzzle pieces

those that say it's a death sentence

those that say it's not horrible at all

the races, walks and other fundraisers

the special diets

those searching for why

those that say why doesn't matter, the real question is "now what?"

the books

the blog posts

the articles

the therapies

the struggles

are real...

children (and adults)

siblings

families

living with...

struggle

joy

fear

hope

much like any other family on the planet. Yet, so very different.

We must begin to move beyond blue lights, facebook "likes" and twitter re-tweets.

It's time to dig a little deeper.

It's time for education, understanding and acceptance.

It's time to ask "So, what exactly is Autism anyway?" and actually listen to the answer.


This was taken last year, but Rocklin changed our light this morning, so starting tonight we will once again be Lighting it up blue.

Thankful Thursday

Continuing to count my blessings...I'm thankful for:

16. Checkers. How it builds confidence and thinking skills while bringing laughter and high fives. A couple of days ago, I told Aaron he was like a little checker playing machine because he never wants to stop. Yesterday, I played and lost to all five children (though Parker cheated) and after losing the fifth game, Aaron did a fist pump and said "We are checker MACHINES".

17. Girls, even if they are weird. Mag is such a sport with all of these boys. She plays sports with them, bounces around with them, reads to them, makes paper airplanes with them. In return, once in a while she asks them to play dolls or have tea parties with her. Today she asked to do a tea party. It's been a really long time since she's done it. Aaron came to me and in a very serious manner said "Why do girls always want to do silly tea parties and stuff?" I told him that most girls (and some boys) find such things fun and that even if he doesn't like them, sometimes we do something because it brings joy to others. He shrugged and said "girls are weird". That maybe so, but I love my girly and all of her girlness.



18. Exercise balls. I'm thankful that they are available and seem to be very helpful around here during some very difficult moments.

19.Bed head. I will NEVER tire of hearing Parker greet at least one of us each morning by saying "Whoa, You gots some serious bedhead, girl!" (or boy depending on the obvious)

20. Medication. At one point in time, I was very against using medication, now I'm so thankful that Parker has something that while it won't cure crohn's disease, it will make it manageable enough that he can sleep (well, somewhat at least) and the days of hours and hours of crying in pain are mostly a memory and rarely a reality these days.

21. Warm weather and the park play dates, picnics, climbing and nature walks that come with it. I could do without all the sneezing and watery eyes though.



22. Good books and little boys that curl up and fall asleep with a favorite in hand.



23. Yarn. I'm not sure where the key to world peace is buried, but based on yarn's calming effect here, I am beginning to wonder if the key isn't wrapped in a nice blanket of brilliant colored, soft yarn of some sort?